The simple things you say are all complicated, I look pretty young but I'm just backdated

[fakeplasticsnow]

Title: L.A.'s Gonna Eat You Alive: The Diary of Matt Giraud
Fandom: American Idol
Rating: R
Characters/Pairings: Matt/Adam, Megan/Anoop, mentions of Kris and Dadam, and if you squint really hard you'll see Gokey, Allison and Tatiana
Disclaimer: OMG never happened. And no, I don't believe that Matt Giraud is this stupid in real life.
Genre: slash, AU, sheer idiocy
Words: 10,444
Summary: You think you know, but you have no idea. Or whatever they used to say on MTV. Man, I love having deep thoughts.
Based on: Story format of Bridget Jones's Diary, premise of Ugly Betty. (Think, Matt's fedora = Betty's Guadalajara poncho.) And one scene influenced by the Iron Man film.
Warning: You know how everybody hates first person POV, run-on sentences, capslock, messy tense-switching and nonsensical, cartoony characterizations? This fic has ALL OF THAT.
A/N: So, if you thought my last Matt/Adam story was nuts? THIS IS EVEN STUPIDER. This shit. It is bananas. But I laughed so hard while writing it, and I think this may be my favorite Anoop characterization yet. This fic is like an extended version of the Danny__Gokey parody Twitter. But for Matt.
Dedication: I wrote this as a thank you gift for phaballa, who sat through two weeks and four revisions and multiple episodes of my angst and self-loathing to help me turn Sick Cycle Carousel into Something I Don't Actually Hate. ♥ So as a token of my gratitude, I present the 10,000-word version (original excerpt here) where everybody turns into a Mary Sue. IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
Title taken from: A John Mayer song, of course.







August 16

You know that song John Mayer wrote for Conan about how L.A.'s Gonna Eat You Alive? I had no idea he was being serious. I'm not as "douchey as a man can be" like John motherfucking Mayer (nobody is, that guy's a doucherocket), but I could've used that advice before I decided to leave Kalamazoo.

Mom got me this diary to document my "rise to superstardom," but it looks like I'm gonna have to turn this into either a written history of my multiple failures to get a record deal, or Matty Does L.A.: My Slutty Adventures in Tinseltown.

Sorry, Mom.

So the music thing's not working out, which means that I am exactly like 75% of L.A. dudes. Being here two weeks totally makes me feel Not Special. And I need money.

- Matt



August 20

Landed a sweet job at Hi-Def Records being some dude's gofer. Got to talk to the head honcho himself, this fifty-ish blond who seemed to really like me (but what kind of a name is Eber?). I didn't think I would get the job since there was a bunch of super-hot people applying too, but maybe Eber's one of those hippie types who focuses on people's inner beauty or whatever. I don't know how living in L.A. wouldn't kill anybody's inner flower child, but I'm not complaining.

- Matt



August 24

So I've always known I liked dudes too ever since the Art Class Epiphany in college, but today I met Adam Lambert.

I was waiting in the lobby and he walked in and I was like OH MY GOD I LIKE MEN. But not out loud because I was busy watching the world run in slow-motion as Adam walked into the room. Yeah, it was THAT kind of moment. Hi-Def is full of buttoned-up greyscale Matrix people, and Adam's a human rainbow with built-in sparkles.

It's like he's Heather Locklear in a Wayne's World movie and I'm Wayne and Garth. Schwiiiiiing.

He's one of the newer A & R guys and Eber's kid, which: okay, I was expecting some hot-but-meh young blond surfer type, and Adam is not that at all. He's got spiky anime black hair and at least eighty pounds of glittery purple eyeshadow and a t-shirt with fucking sequins and shit. And gray eyes. I didn't know gray eyes existed outside of Harry Potter books. I mean I've seen gray eyes, but his are like liquid mercury. Oh my God Adam's turning me into some corny novelist dude. And then he smiled at me like we were in some Julia Roberts movie. Boom dead.

Basically, Adam is hot. And my official job title is Personal Assistant to Adam Lambert, so I think this job is gonna be awesome.

- Matt



August 25

This job is so not awesome.

Had a sit-down with Lambert, Sr. today where I found out that no, he did not hire me because of my inner beauty. Or my outer beauty. No, he hired me for my lack of outer beauty.

Not that he said it out loud, because he's good at L.A. fakery, but he told me that Adam was kind of a manwhore who changed personal assistants like he changed clothes. Adam used to hire his own PA's, and he had a thing for tiny, pretty Southern boys, so Eber did the hiring this time and picked someone who was the exact opposite of Adam's type, i.e. me. And I was like, why didn't you get a chick instead, and apparently the last PA was a chick, but she was so into Adam that she fucked up the actual work-related stuff.

Eber (your name is Eber, you lose): "And I thought you'd be perfect, because you're a nice, fedora- and argyle-wearing straight boy."

You'd think being Adam Lambert's dad would make his gaydar (bicurious-dar? Three-beer-queer-dar?) a little more fine-tuned, but maybe prolonged exposure to That Much Adam made it explode.

So anyway, I could've stood up for myself. I could have said "No, Mr. What-Kind-of-a-Name-is-Eber-Anyway Lambert, I do have inner and outer beauty by the truckload, thank you very much, and FYI I'm only straight when I'm sober. Go fuck yourself." I could have left with a little bit of dignity. This was my shot at a personal Crowning Moment of Awesome.

But this is L.A. and the job pays well so I was like "Um, okay."

'Cause I thought, I can get over it, right? L.A.'s full of hot people, Adam's just a face in the crowd, and also, manwhores suck. But then he had to go and have a Nice Personality too, so fuck my life. He's kind of an imbecile (yes I do know big words, take that, Snooty Indian Receptionist) about the business side of A & R, but he's got good taste in music and he has, like, faith in people in general. I don't know what these Lamberts do to avoid L.A. Syndrome, but I could use a few tips.

By the end of the shift I was feeling super hideous, so I went to a bar and hooked up with some drunk girl. Kinda chunky but she had a pretty face. I needed someone to tell me about how hot I was all night so I fished for it in a subtle way, but it was cool because I'm good with subtlety. Or at least I thought so until she walked out afterwards telling me she wasn't my fucking life coach.

What's a life coach?

If a life coach is someone who gives you awesome blowjobs, well, she wasn't a very good life coach anyway.

- Matty 2 Hotty



August 26

I would really like a Twinkie, but I think they're illegal in this state.

- Matt



August 27

Today sucked. I showed up to work wearing eyeliner (what, I experiment with fashion sometimes) and Snooty Indian Receptionist laughed at me the whole time. He like followed me around everywhere just so he could laugh at me all day.

I don't know why he hates me so much. Yesterday he made fun of my vest. At least I don't dress exactly like everybody else, the way he does.

Adam was nice about the eyeliner, though. He told me I was fierce, and then flashed his Julia Roberts smile. So that kind of redeemed it a little. But then Snooty Receptionist laughed at me some more.

Fuck you, Aziz, you wish you were this fierce.

- Matt



August 28

The eyeliner was a failed experiment. Never again.

Semi-attractive accountant at the office told me I was cute. I blew him in the men's room. Hi-Def has really clean bathrooms.

I feel pretty.

- Matt



August 31 (I didn't know August had 31 days)

Snooty Receptionist apologized for being a douchebag last week and then invited me for drinks after shift "to celebrate how much Mondays suck."

I thought, oh, I get it, maybe he was being mean to me because he secretly likes me, 'cause boys do that. In kindergarten.

Aziz was like "Dude, I'm straight," but that's what they ALL say. At first. But I played along anyway, I mean, it's still free beer and Snooty Receptionist is kind of cute when he's not being a dickweed. I bet he doesn't talk during sex. Boy, would I love for him to shut up for like five minutes.

I realized he wasn't lying about being straight when he took me to a sports bar. Over beer and nachos, he told me that he knew I had a thing for Adam, which was why he wanted to talk to me. At first I was like no it's nothing, seriously, I really do wear eyeliner sometimes, but Snooty Receptionist just rolled his eyes at me. He's really good at the eye-rolling. Is that a receptionist thing?

By that point he was pretty fucking drunk, so he started quoting Heroes at me. I don't know.

McSnooty: "No, no, no, I've worked here for four years and seen many men try and fail with Adam Lambert, and you know, you're different from the other PA's, and you seem like a nice guy deep down so I don't want that part of you to get ruined forever. Don't end up like me, man." (L.A. has obviously eaten Snooty Receptionist alive.) "So what you need to know is, there was this sign inside a subway in an episode of Heroes once, while Mohinder and Peter were riding, and that sign said 'Don't Give Your Heart to Just Anyone.' And this is what I am telling you, Guy from Bumfuck, Michigan: don't give your dick to just anyone. Especially not Adam Lambert. Because you will end up broken. Adam's a good kid, he really is, but he has no idea what kind of effect he has on people. He doesn't know how badly he can hurt them once they grow attached to him. So if you like having your job and your sanity and your soul around but you still can't get your mind off of Adam, keep your dick in your pants and start by stimulating his other organ: his brain."

I had to remember it because I think there's a point in there, somewhere. I guess he means I shouldn't sleep with Adam? Like that was gonna happen. But McSnooty is tragically smart, so this is probably good advice. I'll have to think about it again when I'm legit sober, not aspirin sober.

"Also, stop calling me Aziz, you fucking asshole. My name is Anoop."

I called him Apu for the rest of the night, and laughed at my own joke.

- Matt



September 3

When I arrived at the office today, Anoop was talking to this gorgeous blonde chick in a hot pink skirt and blazer and stilettos. She looked like Legally Blonde Barbie. According to Anoop, she's the head of radio promotion, and she just got back from a vacation in Cabo. Apparently Lambert, Sr. likes to keep it in the family: she's Adam's twin sister.

Twin brother, actually. "Until three years ago, she was Martin James Lambert. But she won't respond to anything other than Megan Joy now."

"Fierce. But how do you know?"

Anoop's been working here since the label was founded four years ago, so he and Martin/Megan go way back. "I'm the eyes and ears of Hi-Def Records, dude. Why do you think people are scared to piss me off?"

"No idea what you mean, Apu."

"You will regret that one day." Like every receptionist I've ever met, Anoop has perfected his bitchface.

In other news: I'm not great with elevator rides, I always end up with my foot in my mouth. So, awesomely, Megan and I happened to take the elevator at the same time after work.

"Wow," I said, eyeing her up and down. For a split-second she looked like she expected me to say something offensive, but all I said was, "You look nothing like Adam."

She laughed and told me that she hoped that was a compliment. It was, because she's smokin' hot.

"Thank you. At least MY hair color is real."

Then I asked her if they put "it" (you know, her dong) in a jar, and she rolled her eyes at me the exact same way that Anoop does, then walked out of the elevator. I don't know why that annoyed her, I really was curious. That would be cool, if they put it in a jar. I wonder how big Megan's jar is. Was?

- Matt



September 15

I don't know how much actual work I'm getting done as Adam's PA, because my "job" mostly involves helping him pick out which sequined belt to wear (I had no idea "purple or iridescent white?" would be such a hard question), answering all his ex-boyfriends' voice mails in my Gay Robin Williams voice while I pretend I'm Adam's boyfriend, and sometimes going to music clubs for "talent discovery" when we're really just trying out all the drinks in the city.

Last night was one of those nights, and the girl onstage was pretty awful, anyway (some insane squealy brunette who only knew Whitney Houston songs) so heavy-duty scotch was required. Adam downs scotch like a champ, he does it like Patrick Dempsey on that Patrick Dempsey doctor show.

Adam's a philosophical drunk, which is cool because I love having deep conversations about deep stuff, but he's also an emotional drunk, so obviously we talked about love. I've never been in love, I have like four categories for people: People I would totally fuck, people I would fuck but only when I'm wasted, people I would fuck but would never admit to fucking, and uggos.

But Adam was in love once, with a tiny, pretty Southern boy, and it didn't work out so he's back to manwhoring or whatever, even though he has to get it outside of the workplace now. He's not mad that his dad decided to intervene, he knows he probably needed it. "And I like having you as my PA. You're actually useful and you make me laugh and this isn't destructive at all." And then he passed out on my shoulder.

I had his driver take us back to his place, which is huge and it had this grand piano which made me happy because my fingers haven't touched ivory in like a month. I slept on the couch because I figured Anoop was a smart guy and you can't have sex with someone while he's passed out, anyway.

Adam had a monster hangover the next morning, but he told me not to stop playing the piano, and he sat in the living room to watch me. I played him "You Found Me" and the dude even smiled, which I know is really fucking hard when you have a hangover. Hangovers make me want to eat people.

So he smiled, and I smiled and sang and played and we had a nice moment. Totally platonic.

I made him put on hangover-wear (a beanie and huge sunglasses), and then he lent me one of his shirts made of shimmery silver thread, and that's what we looked like when we showed up at the office. Megan was suspicious and I'm pretty sure Lambert, Sr. threw a shit fit, but Adam handled it. Anoop looked at me kinda funny. I gave him two Borat thumbs up, and he banged his head against the desk so I'm not sure he understood what I meant. But it's fun to watch Anoop physically hurt himself every once in a while, so I let him believe the wrong idea until the end of the day.

I like this job.

- Matt



September 17

The sports bar has actually been a Wednesday tradition for Anoop and Megan since forever, so she got all bug-eyed when Anoop told her that he had drinks with me that one time.

"Giraud's a good kid. Not very bright, but a good kid," he said. Then he told her that I needed a sports bar session, because I love Adam.

"I don't love him, asshole. He just happens to be on my People I Would Totally Fuck list. And so are you, Megan, 'cause hotness runs in the family."

She grinned. She's cool.

Anoop is not cool. "See, now you're just insulting me."

Pretentiousness is not sexy. I wouldn't fuck Anoop unless he kept his mouth shut the whole time.

We talked about Adam anyway, because it's apparently a Major Issue if anyone ever develops a thing for Adam. Well, Anoop said it wasn't, it was a Major Issue because I was involved.

Long-ass Anoop monologue in 3, 2, 1: "I am PROTECTIVE of you, okay, Michigan? Get that into your thick skull. I used to be like you, I used to have dreams, I was a back-up singer for Usher, dammit. And while The Breaking of Anoop Desai didn't involve any romantic liaisons with glittery men," (he uses the word "liaisons" in actual conversation, what a tool) "I know Adam's just as capable of breaking you as this music industry was of breaking me. Adam himself is damaged goods. So just be careful with him. Dude, I've never invited a PA to this bar before in all the years I've worked here, okay, so this is a Big Moment. Recognize." Dude talks a LOT when he's drunk.

Megan agreed. She knew Adam the best since she was his twin, and she told me I had three options: get with him, get over it, or get broken.

"Look: Adam sexes you up, it's over," she said. "He used to do the boyfriend thing, but shit happened, and he can't anymore. He misses commitment, but he's scared of it, too. Also, bone Adam and my dad will kill you. Seriously."

Somehow everything Anoop says makes more sense when Megan's there to translate it.

We played "I Never," and the most interesting thing I got out of that game is that weirdly, I'm the only one who's never taken it up the ass before. Anoop tried pegging with an ex once. The idea of anal scares me, I feel like my ass is sensitive. I wouldn't really know, but I just have a feeling.

- Matt



September 24

I hate Kris Allen.

I mean, he spells his name with a K. What the hell kind of retarded twinkie trend is that? Maybe I should call myself Zmatt Giraud and tell people the Z is silent, it's French. I could even put an apostrophe, so it's edgy. Z'matt Giraud. Or Giraude with an E for added stylishness.

So today, Hi-Def Records' latest hitmaker Kris Allen walked into the office with his stupid angelic face and perfect sculpted body and unbuttoned-to-AWKWARD plaid shirt (plaid, what the fuck, who wears plaid in the real world), and every time he smiled, a choir of angels sang. Fucker.

He's the kind of guy who makes people want to believe in fairy tales again. Even Anoop likes him, which is kind of ridiculous. Anoop doesn't like anybody.

Kris Allen is friends with Mat Kearney and Joe King and John motherfucking Mayer, and he likes all the same music that I do, and he can play the piano and guitar like ohmygod. Boys that beautiful should NOT be that talented. And nice. Life is unfair.

He's a hugger. When Kris Allen hugs you, God invents a new breed of kitten. And he hugs everybody, even me, even Adam, especially Adam. And then he'd look up at Adam with his big brown puppy eyes and just AAAAARGH.

Kris Allen is a tiny, pretty Southern boy. This is why I hate him.

- Z'matt Giraude



September 25

I love Kris Allen.

Adam and I had lunch with him at some steakhouse (Kris Allen likes sushi, but "none of that fusion shit, eww") today. Dude can tear into a steak like a man's man. Kris Allen really likes his beef.

Adam went to the men's room, and I was like oh crap because I'm stuck with The Nicest Guy on Earth (Whom I Hate), and Jesus, he really is that nice.

"You know, I think you'd be good for him."

I was like, excuse you? Kris Allen said he knew I liked Adam, because Anoop told him. Anoop is such a dillhole. "But even if he didn't tell me, it kinda showed, man."

That bummed me out, because I thought Adam and I were making progress on the whole Just Friends thing. Then Kris Allen gave me a Choir of Angels smile, and I didn't know whether I wanted to hug him or hit him.

He thinks I'd be good for Adam because even though I'm not his type, I'm not like all the other Hollywood Ambition guys who used him, and I care about him for real even if I'm just his PA, and ever since his dad hired me, Adam's been getting in less trouble. It's weird that Kris Allen knew all of that when we'd only met yesterday, but he said Adam talked about me pretty often.

"So whether or not you guys end up together, I hope you stick around for the long run."

"But I thought you and Adam were...?"

Kris Allen laughed. He said he got that a lot, but he and Adam are best friends who go way back, and Adam had helped him when he was still part of that 75% of L.A. dudes. It's cute, I guess. Kris Allen is an okay guy. It's like that moment in Return of the Jedi when Princess Leia said "it's not like that at all, Luke's my brother," except that here, he's Luke Skywalker. (Why does Kris Allen get to be Luke Skywalker? Fuck that. So not fair.)

Then Adam came back so I never got to ask Kris Allen what else Adam said about me, then we talked about business and blah blah music stuff (I think I want to write a song one of these days, I'll write one about Kris Allen and call it "Sing Like an Angel, Dance Like an Asshole"), and then Kris Allen left to go meet his wife (...oh).

Before he left, he told me he liked my fedora. And that was when I realized that I love Kris Allen.

- Matt



September 29

I was so sure I was doing well with being Just Friends with Adam, but then he gave me a key to his house this afternoon and I had an internal freak-out for maybe ten seconds.

- Matt



October 1

Ten things I learned while working as Adam Lambert's personal assistant:

1. How to tie somebody else's necktie. (He's so lazy.)
   
2. Nectarinis are the best things ever, even though Anoop will never know I love them.
   
3. Adam's ex-boyfriends are nucking futs.
   
4. The entire plot of How I Met Your Mother. (Adam said it was "for educational purposes," because apparently he's trying to teach me some life lessons. Or he wants me to find a good wife? Or be suspicious if pineapples show up out of nowhere?)
   
5. The best part of a kiss is the moment right before it happens. It's part of #4, and that scene with Ted and Victoria is one of Adam's favorites.
   
6. The music industry is depressing. I really don't know how Adam stays so optimistic when it's all going to hell in a handbasket, but I guess that's why he's a good A & R guy. He's looking in the right direction.
   
7. Coffee won't do shit to cure a hangover.
   
8. Falling in love sucks.
   
9. Thread count is very important. (Adam took me to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I'm not sure how I feel about that.)
   
10. L.A. won't eat me alive unless I let it.

- Matt



October 3

When you're a PA, sometimes a shift isn't really a shift. And when you're Adam Lambert's PA, it's never ever a shift. I'm basically on the job 24/7, so it's a good thing I like my job and lots of alcohol is involved. Nectarinis RULE.

Sometimes it's a pain in the ass, like today when I had to wake up at Jesus Fucking Christ o'clock in the morning because Adam was calling. He sounded embarrassed and kinda sad. He wanted me to pick him up from his tiny, pretty, Southern ex-boyfriend's apartment. I guess that's the nice thing about having your own assistant -- you don't have to do the Walk of Shame, you have a Cab Ride of Shame. (The company car is way cooler, but we couldn't risk the driver telling Adam's dad that he had to pick Adam up from his ex-boyfriend's place.)

I already knew the address since this was my second time picking Adam up from there. He'd been going over maybe once or twice a month, even though he knew it wasn't exactly the best idea in the world. He called it his Dirty Habit. I think once you make up a nickname for these things, you seriously need to reevaluate some shit in your life.

The cab ride back to Adam's house was awkward. He sat there wearing the same clothes from last night, and...me too. (It was really fucking early, okay.) I didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound judgey, so I asked, "Is Brad that good?"

And Adam laughed and rested his head across my lap. He said Brad had gotten more selfish in bed lately, but he was still pretty good. Then Adam sighed and looked up at me and said, "I shouldn't be doing this, huh?"

I shook my head.

"Boys are bad for me."

I nodded.

Then he sat up because he had a lightbulb moment, and it was this: No More Boys. From today onwards, Adam was keeping his legs closed.

I was supportive because it really was a good idea, but somehow my smile wasn't as big as it should have been. I realized I was kinda lonely. Or maybe I'm just horny? Probably that. I'm always horny.

After that, I couldn't stop hearing Heart songs in my head for the rest of the day. I don't even know. (I never really cared until I met him.)

Later that afternoon, I was on my way back to the Hi-Def office with Adam's Starbucks order when I came across this sidewalk preacher. (It's official: L.A. has everything.) Is it common for sidewalk preachers to wear obscenely expensive glasses? 'Cause those were some niiiice glasses.

The preacher looked straight into my soul or whatever, made heart-hands and told me, "Son, don't give your heart to just anyone."

Anoop lent me a few DVDs from his Girls Gone Wild collection. Anoop is nice to me, sometimes.

My wrist hurts.

- Matt



October 7

Bummer. I was looking forward to today because I thought I was officially a part of Anoop and Megan's sports bar tradition, but it's probably never gonna happen now.

Adam needed me to photocopy some contracts, and on my way to the supply room I saw Megan come out with her hair kind of messy and her top button undone. I don't think much about stuff like that, but then when I actually went into the room, Anoop was there with his shirt untucked. I know him, his shirt's never untucked. And I was like, oh.

Anoop didn't say anything. I had no idea he could run that fast.

- Matt Doesn't Like Drinking Alone



October 10

Anoop doesn't mind drinking alone. At least, that's what I found out last night when he showed up at Adam's doorstep smelling like Stoli.

He pointed a finger at me. "I knew you would be here, I just knew it," he said, not in his usual Anoop way but in a slurred, hazy way. I don't know why that was a big deal to him, I'd told him earlier that morning that I'd be listening to demos with Adam at his place.

We listened to the demos anyway, but Adam was nice enough to play the depressing ones instead since Anoop was there.

Anoop's thing with Megan started a month before she went to Cabo, but he'd had conflicting feelings about her ever since she became Megan three years ago. And then the supply room incident happened, and she ended it with him because she was tired of hiding.

"I deserve it, don't I?"

I couldn't lie to him. "Yeah."

It said a lot about the kind of guy Adam was that he didn't deck Anoop at any point that night, because if Anoop were nailing my sister and hurting her feelings by acting ashamed of her, he'd go home tomorrow with two black eyes. (Even if he didn't do all that, I sometimes want to punch Anoop.)

But I didn't want to punch him right then, because he looked pretty sad, and while Anoop hates life in general on most days, he's never looked that miserable before.

"I'm an idiot," he whined. "She's my best friend, I've known her and wanted her for years. I don't know why I'm scared."

He shouldn't be scared, it was pretty dumb. Even though it could get confusing at times, it's all just parts. "She's reassembled, sure, but all the important parts are still there. That's not removable. And Megan is awesome. And hot."

Adam smiled at me when I said that, so for half a minute I felt a little smart. Anoop even said, "You know, Michigan, sometimes you're not an idiot." Anoop can't give a compliment to save his life. Not even when he's wasted. But I still said, "I love you, man," and he called me a pussy. Then he said, "But I love pussy"' so I guess he meant well? Then he needed to puke his guts out, so Adam and I had to carry him to the bathroom.

He crashed on the couch after that. Adam and I weren't that tired so we listened to more demos and played Monopoly on the floor. He looked at me in this way that I can't really describe and smiled a little and said, "I don't know why I ever disobeyed my dad."

I smiled back at him because I guess that's what I was supposed to do, even though I didn't really understand it. My dad is pretty cool, I don't disobey him that often.

Anoop woke up at 4 a.m. so they sat around the living room while I played piano, and we all sang that Joe Jackson song about what's the use of getting sober, if you're just gonna get drunk again. I felt it had a special meaning for that situation.

As I drove him home, Anoop told me he felt like he belonged on an episode of Jerry Springer because of his whole situation of being in love with his tranny best friend. He's such an old fart. I was like, dude, get with the times, Tyra Banks is where it's at now. Man, I love Tyra. She's so wise and insightful. I think it'd actually be good for Anoop if he appeared on an episode of Tyra, so she could totally show him the light (and teach him about how awesome trannies are, 'cause no one knows that better than Tyra Banks), but she's probably busy right now doing important things. So, I will make myself Anoop's personal Tyra.

- Matt is FIEEEERCE



October 12

I can't believe Anoop thinks Tyra Banks is "a self-absorbed trashbag ho." I mean, hello, pot kettle black.

I don't know if he means it, or if he's just saying that because he's depressed. Or does he really have something against all trannies in general? That would suck, because even if you hate trannies, you should make a special place in your heart for Tyra Banks. Anoop needs more Tyra in his life.

Anyway, watching Anoop be a miserable, un-fierce piece of shit is less fun than I thought it would be. We were having lunch today (he's on a diet, everyone in L.A. is on a fucking diet) when I realized that I'd been having lunch with him every work day since our first night at the sports bar. I guess that kinda makes him my best friend here? Most of my friends are cool, I've never been close to someone this assy before. It leads to conflicting feelings. Some days I feel like I'm on a Bravo reality show called My Best Friend is a Pretentious Dickweed.

But it's all love, man, because if it weren't for him I'd probably still be trying desperately to get into Adam's pants, instead of staying in the safe Over It and We're Just Friends place I'm in right now. So I owe it to Anoop to sit through his whiny gin-soaked post-breakup phase. And sometimes I have to wrestle him so he doesn't reach for my emergency bottle of whiskey, but that's okay, because it's for his own good even though the fucker kneed me in the crotch once.

(Is it normal for people to turn illiterate when they're depressed? Because I taped a big label on that bottle, and that label read "Break only in case of emergency, like death of friend or family member, loss of employment, feeling unattractive, or getting some chick pregnant." Anoop's issue is so not an emergency.)

I let him stay at my place for a few days so I could keep an eye on him before he does something stupid like eat a whole tub of ice cream. After work, I forced him to watch that episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia where Mac's secretly banging this really hot tranny played by the chick from Sweet Valley High, and then eventually she leaves him because he was being a jackass by keeping her a secret from everybody. And also, Mac's friends thought he was a serial killer because he kept acting suspicious the whole time. I told Anoop that even though I don't think he's a serial killer, he shouldn't be ashamed of Megan, because she's a hot piece of ass and any dude would want to tap that. It's kinda like a PSA for Anoop.

I really think he learned something today, no matter how many times he said "this is stupid" throughout the episode. I feel informative and helpful. Doing good deeds is really fulfilling.

- The More You Matt

(heh-heh that sounds like an awesome new pick-up line)



October 14

Anoop just called me an "ignoramus."

I don't get why people are annoyed when I ask if they put "it" in a jar. It's an honest question! I seriously want to know.

- Matt



October 15

Step two, put your dick in the jar
Step three, make Anoop open the jar...

(I want to sing this joke to Anoop, but I have a feeling he might actually beat the shit out of me if I do.)

- Matt



October 16

Adam asked me why I looked up trannies on Wikipedia using his iPhone. Damn it, I should've remembered to clear the browsing history.

But it was Adam, so I decided to just ask him straight up, dude, do they put it in a jar or what? Yeah, he laughed, but it was an "oh, you" Adam laugh, not a "you nincompoop" Anoop laugh. Then he sat down and explained that no, they don't put it in a jar, and he has no idea where Megan's dong is now. (Maybe in Dong Heaven.)

I realized then that I wasn't completely over my thing for Adam because of times like these. I never feel like an idiot when I'm talking to Adam. I never feel unattractive when I'm with Adam, which is rare when you live in L.A. And Adam is maybe the only other guy in this city who isn't on a diet. Or at least, he broke it today because he saw this one Renee Zellweger movie and learned that chocolate is a decent replacement for sex, and he seriously needed some chocolate right fucking then. He has this can he hides under his desk that's full of Hershey's and Twinkies. At this point, I would murder people for Twinkies.

We spent the rest of the shift on the floor of his office demolishing his stash. Adam stuffed his face with chocolate and talked about how awful it is to not get laid, while I worked on spreadsheets on his laptop with my mouth full of glorious Twinkie.

"You're the one person I would want to grow fat with," Adam said.

"You too. But I think we should go to the gym tomorrow," I said.

"...Yeah."

See, we get each other.

- Matt



October 20

I can't imagine how Anoop lasted four years in Hi-Def when he clearly hates it here. So I asked him about it over lunch today.

Even when he's not wasted, Anoop talks a whole fucking lot. He went into this theory he has that "no pencil-pusher ever sees it coming when they start out," everybody has a dream, but only the lucky ones get to hold on to those dreams after four years.

Anoop started out as a temp, splitting time between Hi-Def and college. And he said he was just like me, all different and hopeful and naive, showing up to work in these tacky Carolina blue hoodies. "They called me Wal-Mart Guy for three months straight," Anoop said. Then he looked down at his outfit -- a pastel-colored button-down, dark slacks, same as always. "And now, look at me. I look like..."

"Everybody else?" He kinda did. I detected an Armani Douchebag vibe from him the first day we met.

"Which is exactly why I'm alternately derisive and jealous of you and your deeply retarded fedoras. The day you stop wearing them is the day you shove your soul into the meat grinder that is the corporate machine."

That's stupid. Fedoras can't be retarded, they're inanimate objects.

So Anoop stopped being the Wal-Mart Guy, moonlighted as Usher's backup singer for a few years, but he never really went anywhere. Nobody was looking for an Indian-American R & B star, regardless of whether or not he wore tacky Wal-Mart hoodies.

He gave up on trying. He worked full-time at Hi-Def, and now he's stuck being a receptionist even though he's crazy smart and used to be Usher's back-up singer, because our totally fucked economy and our even more fucked music industry will not allow him to move past the receptionist title.

"Sometimes it's fun, and sometimes there are perks, but there's only one reason I haven't gone down in a blaze of Network-ian glory yet."

"...Megan," I figured.

I sat back and looked at him, in his sad, sad Armani Douchebag get-up and pathetic, dead-eyed expression, and I realized that I'm lucky to have Anoop as a friend, because it helps to have someone pull me off that path down to corporate hell.

Anoop totally needs some Tyra in his life, but if he refuses to accept her in his heart, I could at least try to help him get back the one thing that gets him through the day.

"Megan doesn't know," I said. "She doesn't know that she's the reason you get up in the morning without wanting to hang yourself. All she knows is that she's your dirty little secret, and she deserves better, so you should tell her the truth."

Anoop nodded and took a sip of his Diet Pepsi, and boy am I glad I'm not lame enough to drink diet soda.

I made him promise to tell Megan how he felt, and he made me promise to never stop wearing my "deeply retarded fedoras." My task is way harder, because lately I've been thinking about experimenting with berets.

- Matt



October 21

Getting through the Hi-Def glass doors this morning was next to impossible because there was this massive crowd in the lobby. I saw Anoop standing on the receptionist's desk with a megaphone in one hand and a bouquet of tulips in the other, but what really caught my attention was the heinous blue hoodie he was wearing. It made me almost miss Armani Douchebag Anoop. I mean, at least when I'm being original with my fashion choices, they're actually stylish. (Argyle sweater-vests are so in, they just don't see it yet. Chuck Bass wears them!)

"Attention, Megan Joy. I have a message for you," Anoop said into the megaphone.

A bunch of people on the right side parted, leaving Megan standing by herself in her awesome white pantsuit. I couldn't tell if she was confused or embarrassed.

Then Anoop started singing Corinne Bailey Rae's "Like a Star," because it was their song -- it's what played in the bar when they first made out. Plus, Corinne Bailey Rae is the only thing he and Megan have in common, in terms of musical tastes.

Today was when I found out that Anoop actually has a voice like OH YEAH, which is kind of sad because it makes him the human embodiment (he bought me a Word of the Day calendar last week, whatever) of wasted potential. I don't want to be a sad, broken company hamster in four years. They can take the boy out of Kalamazoo, but they can't take the Kalamazoo out of the boy.

I have dreams. I have to leave here and follow those dreams, not just for me but also to honor the memory of Wal-Mart Anoop.

The very moment I had that epiphany was when I saw Adam standing off to the side, watching Anoop with this sweet half-smile, and I guess this decision's not going to be as easy as I thought. He looked at me and waved. I waved back, but I could feel myself faking my own smile.

Anyway, Anoop sang his heart out and Megan blushed and all the girls in the lobby melted in their panties, and okay, me too, but only a little bit. And then he hit the "I won't let my guard down for anyone but you" line and boom. Jizz in my pants. (You know, metaphorically.)

He handed the bouquet down to her and explained its meaning, because Anoop wouldn't be Anoop if he didn't Google things before buying them for people: the red tulips meant "believe me," and the yellow ones meant "there's sunshine in your smile."

"Megan, I am a lot of things. I'm cranky, condescending, whiny, irritable, lame -- quit nodding your head, Matt." I stopped, and Anoop turned back to her. "But there's one thing I'd most like to be known as: your boyfriend."

Cue the collective "awww" from everybody there, and I think I even saw Eber smile.

Of course Megan was all "Yes!" and nodding her head and trying not to cry, then Anoop held his hand out to her, and they both stood on the reception desk, making out in front of everyone, and we just couldn't find it in ourselves to feel annoyed even though this is L.A. and like, whatever, nobody's special. But nice things like this don't happen every day.

At the end of the shift, I was on my way out when Anoop called me over to his desk. He brought out a small bouquet of pink flowers and handed them to me.

They were geraniums, he said. "Google says they symbolize true friendship. I saw them and thought of you. They also symbolize stupidity, which I thought was perfectly applicable."

"You just had to go and ruin the moment, didn't you."

Anoop flashed the biggest smile I'd ever seen and reached across to hug me.

"I love you, man," he said, and for a split-second I was expecting a bitchy follow-up, but nothing came. Somehow, I wasn't disappointed.

- Matt



October 27

I thought being openly in love would cure Anoop of his assholishness, like Ebenezer Scrooge or something, but he's pretty much the same asshole, just an asshole with a hot blonde dong-less girlfriend. He's a happy asshole, at least.

Maybe that's what love does? People never really change who they are inside, but I guess love means you don't expect people to change. You just find someone who makes your life less of a nightmare, and then you try to make their life less of a nightmare, too.

The only thing that's different now is that Sports Bar Wednesdays are back on, and there's also a whole lot of sexual innuendo between Megan and Anoop in the office. Anoop keeps telling her I'm too dumb to get the references, no matter how many times I roll my eyes or snort or say "TM fucking I, you guys."

- Matt




November 6

Tonight, we attended Hi-Def Records' 5th Anniversary Ball. Since Adam still had his No More Boys rule, he made me his date by proxy.

Adam being Adam, he showed up at the hotel in a seizure-inducing gold jacket, so he was hard to miss in the crowd of tuxedos and little black dresses. I blended in better (Anoop was surprised I didn't show up in a vest), but I decided to wear a matching fedora to hold on to some originality.

When he picked me up from my place, all Adam said was, "You look...wow," so I guess it worked.

We spent a lot of time schmoozing with the industry bigwigs. It was Adam's least favorite part of his job, but his dad insisted that he had to do it if he ever wanted to go anywhere in the industry.

There was dancing. Adam begged me to dance with him, saying that a vow of celibacy did not equal a vow of never ever dancing again. And I hate dancing, but I'm a good PA, so I said okay. Kris Allen was performing then, and I went back to hating him a little bit because the second Adam and I reached the dance floor, his band started playing a slow song. I think Kris Allen even winked at us. Cheeky little bastard.

So I felt like I was drowning in awkward sauce and I tried to avoid eye contact but Adam made me look at him and he was like, "Matt, it's okay."

And it was more than okay.

You know how Anoop instantly knew what his song with Megan was the moment he first kissed her? When Adam held me and looked at me right then, in the middle of the dance floor, I knew that we had our own song, too. Our song is a fucking Kris Allen song. Greaaaat.

Adam led me to the balcony outside. When I asked him why, he said "all the pretentiousness in that room made me a little dizzy." (I wonder how he managed to work in the same building as Anoop for five years?)

In the moonlight, the most noticeable thing about Adam wasn't his seizure-gold jacket, but his eyes. He caught me staring and pulled me closer. Then he closed his eyes and leaned in like he was about to kiss me.

So I played along and leaned in too before pulling back and saying, "Cool."

"...What?"

I thought it was what he wanted. The best part of the kiss, the moment right before it happens.

"Oh. Right." Adam got all shifty-eyed and flustered and then he said, "Man, I feel uncomfortably sober right now. I'm gonna go back and get a champagne glass or ten, wanna come?"

I could see in his face that he didn't want me to say yes, so I shook my head. That's what a good PA does -- find out what his boss wants without him having to say it out loud. Adam disappeared faster than I could say "but I'd love a shrimp cocktail."

Ten minutes later, I returned to the ballroom and found out after some asking around that Adam had decided to leave early.

I'm seriously doubting the How I Met Your Mother theory now. If that actually was the best part of the kiss, I don't think I would've spent the whole car ride home feeling nothing but regret.

- Matt



November 10

Just another day at Hi-Def Records.

Signed a new artist this afternoon, a typical blonde who looks like she belongs on the set of The Hills and sings like nothing Auto-Tune can't fix.

Kris Allen showed up at the office and complimented me on my vest. He is so awesome. Then he asked about what happened with me and Adam last Saturday, and I told him nothing happened, because nothing actually happened.

Megan and Anoop have advanced to the "hand-holding in public and gazing into each other's eyes like morons" stage.

Adam isn't acting weird at all. Everything's exactly the same between us as it was two weeks ago. On one hand, it's a good thing, because I like my job, but on the other hand, I can't figure out if it's because he has a really good poker face, or because last Friday meant nothing to him.

I don't know how good my own poker face is, but I'm probably not doing it right if I can't stop looking at his lips.

- Matt



November 11

"Don't give your heart to just anyone."

Sidewalk Preacher was in front of our building again, and in the middle of his sermon I couldn't help my curiosity any longer so I was like, "Dude, are those D & G glasses?"

"Nah, man. Prada."

"Oh."

Maybe I should become a sidewalk preacher.

We sat on a nearby bench and I asked him if he could tell the future and stuff, since the "don't give your heart to just anyone" thing is pretty personal. The sidewalk preacher (who actually became a "life coach" -- hmmmmm -- and a self-help author after his wife died, so he's "sidewalk preaching" to promote his new book) told me no, not really, he just says relationshippy things that can apply to anybody. But I think "don't give your heart to just anyone" is not as easy as it looks, because right now there's this guy and, like, I tried to not give my heart to him especially since my best friend warned me about him in advance, but I can't control what my heart wants.

Sidewalk Preacher, Ph.D.: "I'm preaching against carelessness, not love. Humans are prone to making mistakes, but the heart is hardly ever wrong. If, despite all your best efforts to not fall in love, you're still drawn to the same person time and time again, don't you think that means something?"

I totally need to buy Sidewalk Preacher's new book. I met up with him after my shift and we bought hotdogs from a cart beside the office before going to a mall to help him find new Cavalli eyewear. I also helped him pick out a fedora, and it looks super-fly on him.

- Matt



November 12

I want to be the Tracy Turnblad to Adam's Link Larkin.

Wait, did I just call myself fat? God, I hate L.A.

- Matt



November 14

By the end of the work week, I decided that this whole thing was driving me nuts, so I drove over to Adam's house on Saturday afternoon. I knocked, because I figured it might've been creepy if I used the spare key.

Adam answered the door in nothing but gray sweatpants, and his hair stuck out in like a hundred different directions. That's when I knew I wanted Adam for things I don't normally want people for, because even without the carefully applied make-up and stylish outfits, I felt the exact same way about him that morning that I always did.

I cleared my throat and said, "I know you have a No More Boys rule and that's cool, but I -- oh, fuck it."

Then I gave up on trying to talk and just grabbed his shirt and kissed him. He locked the door and kissed back hard, letting me push him up against the wall. In the back of my head, I knew it was a bad idea, and Anoop and Megan and Eber would rip me a new asshole on Monday, but I honestly couldn't give a fuck and I sure as hell couldn't stop kissing Adam because: three months. Three months of thinking he was the coolest guy in the world. Three months of believing I never stood a chance with him. Three months of pretending I was over it.

I think I've earned this.

Adam pulled my shirt off and we lost the rest of our clothes along the way, and okay, so maybe he laughed a little bit when he found out I wore tighty-whities (what, they're functional and give me all the support I need), but he said he'd take me shopping for more stylish underwear next week. Is it weird that I was most excited about the "next week" part? Anyway, we couldn't make it all the way to the bedroom, so we settled for the couch.

I lay back and gazed longingly into Adam's crystalline, cerulean orbs...







...just kidding he totally fucked my brains out and it was AWESOME.

I had no idea he'd be such a giver. Maybe that's why his psycho exes are so psycho, since men like Adam are nearly impossible to find. A guy who looks like Adam Lambert doesn't have to be a giver, but Adam just is, anyway. I almost felt bad about the No More Boys rule because, well. Sucks for all the boys. (Not named Matt Giraud. Boo-yah.)

So Adam does insane magic things to me and all over me with just his fingers and his tongue, and after that I was like, we should do this properly with a bed and maybe some candles or whatever, so we headed for his bedroom but didn't make it very far because I ended up blowing him in the middle of the staircase. I couldn't help it, he has this gorgeous dick, and I don't normally say that about dudes because I subscribe to the Pete Wentz philosophy of "peen is not very pretty to look at," but Adam's was like, damn. I actually got hard again while blowing him. That's how awesome it was.

Okay. We reached his bedroom eventually. He tossed a bottle of lube at me and smiled, and it's like, with a smile like that, who needs a PA? He can make anybody his bitch.

He stayed on his back, I put his legs up over my shoulders and, yeah. Yeaaaah. Is this how it's supposed to happen, when you finally hook up with someone you've been falling hard for? I wasn't anticipating the wild crazy monkey sex. But I'm not complaining. We kissed a lot, too, and God, that was good.

Then, when the lights were off and we were both under the comforter, I turned to him and told him, "The kiss theory was totally wrong, but I think I know what the best part of sex is."

"Okay, what?"

"The moment after it happens." Lying there, looking at Adam, talking to him about everything, it's an experience I missed out on before because I never stuck around. But I like it.

"So stick around."

And I did, for the rest of the weekend. Deep inside, I knew this was gonna be the last time I saw him, because Eber would fire my ass on Monday, so I wanted to spend as much time with Adam as possible. And have him fuck my brains out some more, because that's super fun.

The next morning, he was going to make us scrambled eggs, but that attempt at breakfast turned into exchanged handjobs on the kitchen counter. Oops.

By the middle of the day, all my worries about having a sensitive ass went out the window because he didn't even have to be the one to bend me over the piano, I went there and bent over for him myself. Seriously, I wanted to call Anoop and tell him that anal's not nearly as bad as he thinks it is, you just have to do it with the right person.

Adam and I ordered pizza, because nothing productive ever happens when we try to whip something up in the kitchen.

- Matt Giraud, wanton sex god, with a very bad man between his thighs



November 15

Sunday night and I'm home again.

The plan was to tell Adam what I was going to do on Monday, and basically be upfront about everything, but he looked so happy in his sleep. I didn't want to ruin it. I'm terrible at goodbyes.

That's how I'm going to remember him. Happy. It was the first time I'd ever felt bad about leaving after a hook-up, but it's better that I take the bullet for both of us. Maybe I'm a coward, but I don't want to see him sad. He probably knows what's going to happen, anyway.

Anoop's right about one thing, I still have dreams. And if I can't make them come true in L.A., I'm sure Kalamazoo and I could work something out.

- Matt



November 16

A voluntary resignation looks better on a resume than a termination, and Eber was nice enough to at least grant me that dignity.

I told him the truth when he asked why I was leaving -- I'd broken Eber's rule and crossed the line with his son. (I crossed the line maybe seven or eight times over the weekend, but it wasn't exactly the best time to be making sex jokes.)

I didn't expect him to look that sad. "You're a good man, Giraud," he said. "If my son weren't such a screw-up at the moment, I'd be rooting for the two of you."

"Actually, Adam's done a lot of growing up over the past few months. He's an amazing person, you should be proud of him."

Eber nodded. "I am." He shook my hand. I picked up my box of belongings and walked out of Hi-Def Records for the last time.

Adam wasn't in yet, and Anoop was busy talking to Megan, so I was able to leave without catching their attention. The whole goodbye thing, you know. I think I was just being a coward this time around. Maybe I'll call them once I've left L.A.

- Matt



November 18

I have a gig?

Anoop rang me up yesterday and bitched at me (big surprise) for leaving without saying goodbye. He found out about everything through Adam, but he wouldn't tell me how Adam was when I asked him.

Then he gave me an address to this piano bar a few blocks away from his place, and told me to show up on Saturday at 7 p.m. with three songs prepared. "I used my connections for this, okay, and I'm not the kind of guy who uses his connections, like, ever, so you better not fucking let me down, Michigan." And he hung up.

Matt's Set List:

1. "You Found Me" – The Fray
   
2. That Kris Allen slow dancing song, because I've had it on repeat on my iPod since last week. Damn it.
   
3. "Like a Star" – Corinne Bailey Rae, because Anoop has dreams too and if I have to force him back into chasing them myself, I can do that.

I'm not sure about this, but at least I'm getting paid, so I kind of love Anoop.

- Matt



November 22

I can't decide what my favorite part of last night was.

First of all, it was amazing to perform in front of a crowd again. It reminded me that this is what I was meant to do, and even though I won't be an overnight success or the next Kris Allen or anything like that, it doesn't mean I should stop trying.

The second high point was "Like a Star," when I told the audience about this douchey receptionist friend of mine who's secretly an amazing singer. It took a bit of audience chanting, but Anoop got up onstage with me eventually. It was a total transformation: all his Jaded L.A. Guy layers melted away once he started singing, and honestly, I like seeing my best friend happy. He's not dead inside like he thinks he is. (And Anoop's heart grew three sizes that night.)

Third, Adam was in the audience. I think Adam was the real reason why Anoop orchestrated the whole thing. It means a lot to me that Anoop would do that, since he's probably the last person next to Eber who would approve of Adam hooking up with a PA. Well, ex-PA.

Adam sat at a table near the stage, so I couldn't miss him. I went up to him after my set was over. He was with Megan and this fuchsia-haired rocker babe working on Adam's iPhone the way I used to do. He whispered something to her and then went outside with me.

"You've replaced me already?"

"Dad was super-strict about the hiring process this time. He hired a lesbian," Adam laughed. "I love my dad."

"He's a cool dude."

"He likes you, you know. I wasn't sure about coming here because I thought you might not want to see me again, but he basically ordered me to show up. Plus, Anoop wouldn't take no for an answer, and the first rule of working in an office is you never piss off the receptionist."

That's true. The receptionist is awesome.

Adam leaned in closer. "The second rule is that a PA shouldn't leave the bed until his boss allows him to."

"We could try again? I'm sure I'll get it right the second time around."

Which brings me to the fourth awesome thing about last night, which was getting to stay in bed with Adam without having to leave quietly the next morning. Or ever.

- Matt



November 26

I was worried that Thanksgivings in L.A. would be cold and impersonal, but my stint at Hi-Def was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. The whole meet-the-parents thing came early for me and Adam, but Eber and Megan already knew me, and Adam's mom is really sweet. I think she was mostly relieved that I was a little more permanent than all the other guys.

The only thing that was slightly less than awesome was the fact that I was fidgety at the dinner table because this fancy-pants 2(x)ist underwear Adam bought for me felt really weird and constricting. Holy shit, who knew underwear could be so complicated?

But that's okay, because Adam got to take them off with his teeth at the end of the night, anyway.

- Matt



December 3

After our piano bar gig, the owner hired me and Anoop as regulars, and Anoop was only too happy to quit his old job. (We agreed that the Wal-Mart hoodies still had to go, though.)

It doesn't pay as well Hi-Def, but we're good, and I think we're on our way to better things. I wouldn't let Adam sign me because I'm not a Hollywood Famewhore kind of boyfriend, but he promised he'd tell some of his industry friends about these two kick-ass guys at the piano bar. In the meantime, Anoop and I are comfortable and we're both dating really rich people so I'm pretty sure we'll be okay.

"It could be worse," Anoop said while we were watching Tyra (huzzah!) together at my place. "At least we don't have to resort to whoring ourselves out on American Idol or whatever."

"Yeah, I would never do that."

Anyway, if we're going to be a serious musical act, we need a band name. I think Manoop would be a good band name. It's "Matt" and "Anoop" smushed together. It's a clever commentary on our Hollywood-ness!

Anoop: "You're about 450 degrees of total gaywad right now. I hope you know that."

That statement is offensive. Just because I have better taste in music and fashion and I like to suck dick every once in a while and I'm Adam Lambert's boyfriend does not mean I'm gay. It means I'm AWESOME.

So I told Anoop that, and he stared at me blankly. I guess he couldn't understand my logic.

I've never felt smarter and more profound than Anoop. Until today.

Yessssss.

- Matt

FIN.

Comments

[emylina.livejournal.com]

OMG I'm leaving for the airport right now and will be gone for 10 day! I soooo wanna read this, I loved the part I've already read. Well, I guess I'll have to get back to this when I get home again. :(

<3 <3 <3

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

It's okay, bb! It can wait, haha. :) Have a good trip!

[proserpina-kore.livejournal.com]

"...this is even stupider awesomer".

Really!

I just loved this :-) Your Matt and Anoop are brilliant, and the dick in a jar thing is just so funny. And Adam! Gorgeous! I loved so many things in this, that if I quote, it'll be almost as long as the fic.

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Awww, thank you so much! ♥ I don't get this many opportunities to make dick jokes in fanfic, but Matt fic is just the place for it. XD

[oatmeal-cookie.livejournal.com]

ADLKJAD;LFKJAD;LAJFAD I ADORE YOU COMPLETELY. I think I will always begin all my reviews with that statement. LOL you are just so fantastic, woman.

I love this. So much. You're so fucking witty and all your one-liners just sizzle and zing. JFC I have no idea how you do it. Anoop the bitchy receptionist! Meganoop and "Like A Star" OMG I swooned just thinking of Anoop singing that song (I'm taking that whole scene as a tribute to The O.C. because I love me some Seth Cohen). Kris Allen Being Perfect! Z'matt Giraude! LOL FOR DAYS AND DAYS. I just. This is so fabulous on so many levels, and I envy your magnificent brain.

I lay back and gazed longingly into Adam's crystalline, cerulean orbs...
...just kidding he totally fucked my brains out and it was AWESOME.

L-O-FUCKING-L

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

HEARTSSSSSS <333

LOL OMG if Anoop sang the "I won't let my guard down for anyone but you" line IRL, I'm pretty sure I'd jizz my pants too. XD Guuuurl, his voice is perfect for it.

[lilacmajestyvpm.livejournal.com]

This was funny and endearing. I liked it a lot.

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! :)

[fasciculations.livejournal.com]

I LOVE this. The Matt G voice is perfection. Quoting all the lines I love is impossible, because I love them all. You're brilliant.

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! Writing Matt is hella fun. ♥

[poppetawoppet.livejournal.com]

my dog is staring at me because I am bawling over in laughter. Words escape me right now. This was all kinds of perfection

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, thank you! And tell your doggy I said "hi." ♥

[bloodbelieve.livejournal.com]

I don't even like Matt/Adam but I clicked the link anyway because, hi, Ugly Betty premise? How could I resist, and I'm glad I didn't because this is actually awesome. So funny! I was giggling all the way through, I loved it. A++

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Ugly Betty love! LOL, Megan as Alexis Meade was totally my favorite part of that angle. "No, they don't put it in a jar!"

Thank you! ♥

[mosca.livejournal.com]

This is completely fabulous, and I love it.

When Kris Allen hugs you, God invents a new breed of kitten.

Like, so funny. And genuinely funny, and you keep it funny throughout. Fanfic is very seldom this good at making me laugh.

But what really stands out for me is, it's true to the characters in a way that I think only AU can be -- like, there are aspects of their personalities and selves that you can only draw attention to when they're not themselves.The Matt-ness and the Adam-ness shine through. If that makes sense.

Anyway, I really loved this, and I'm so glad you shared it.

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

It does make sense! I think AUs push authors to sharpen their characterizations, because it's not like one would want to just copy-paste an Ugly Betty script and then Find + Replace all the names.

Thank you so much for the lovely comment, bb. <3

[casey270.livejournal.com]

I have never, ever, read anything that made me LOL quite this much. The comedic timing, the choice of words, the phrasing, the characterizations...all combined to make this the best piece of writing ever!! We all need more laughter in our lives, and you just made this world a happier place.

LONG LIVE Z'MATT GIRAUDE!!!!!!

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm really happy I made you laugh -- I have a totally weird sense of humor and I laugh at way different things than most people, so I never quite know whether or not I'm being funny. XD

Z'matt! It's French!

[junalele.livejournal.com]

Personally, I love run-on-sentences as I firmly believe that full stops are overrated anyway, completely and utterly. So yay for that. And also this story is just hilarious fun. Awesome.

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Yes I totally love run-on sentences, actually, I'm a total Bret Easton Ellis stan and run-on sentences totally add to the theme, and also thank you, I'm glad you liked the story! :D

[eleanor-lavish.livejournal.com]

BRB LAUGHING MY ASS OFF.

Seriously, this Matt is MADE OF AWESOME, and I have to agree that this Anoop is kind of my MOST FAVORITE EVER, and no one is a douchebag, not really, and this is hilarious and charming and yes. A FUCKING PLUS, DUDE.

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Yaaaay, thank you bb! ♥ LOL, Anoop's such a bitch. But a concerned, protective one. :)

[kissmedirty.livejournal.com]

I friggin love this!

It's like he's Heather Locklear in a Wayne's World movie and I'm Wayne and Garth. Schwiiiiiing. a trillion bonus points for that :P

When Kris Allen hugs, God creates a new kind of kitten heheheheh

this made me smile like a loon, thanks for sharing

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! :) "There is a God. Heather be thy name!"

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

LOLOLOL awesome :D Glad it worked for you!

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And I have SO MANY THOUGHTS on Tyra, so I liked having an outlet to express my love/hate thing for her. LOL, I'd totally watch Tyra with Matty G. He watches her talk show for the Serious Issues.

[allstarzs.livejournal.com]

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this fic. Everything about it was amazing, especially the little Danny moments (streetpreacher!danny ftmfw). I honestly don't think I could love it more<3

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I had a LOT of fun writing streetpreacher!Danny, ahaha. Don't give your heart to just anyone!

[dansetheblues.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful and totally unexpected in the awesome category for me since I had just never really gotten the Matt/Adam pairings before. Have to say it was so good that I am commenting for the first time on a fic. Actually enjoyed the Manoop friendship the best though - you stayed so true to the voices that they have in my head and the way their relationship was developed seemed very realistic. It was also one of the best endings I have read in awhile - Thanks! Happy idols are the best aren't they?

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Aww, glad you decided to comment! ♥ The Manoop friendship was probably my favorite part, too, it kind of had a Scrubs JD/Cox dynamic to it. :D

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Heartssss <3 Thank you, bb!

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

OMFG. I LOVE YOU SO HARDCORE RIGHT NOW!!!!!

I can't believe you actually finished it, but I am so glad you did because this is insanely awesome. Ahaha omg, some of the lines! Kris Allen's hugs invent new breeds of kittens!! And just. YES. I will probably never get over how awesome this is and how much I love it. AND THE DANNY CAMEO OMG. I laughed my ass off through this entire thing. A++ awesomeness. If this is what betaing gets me, I am doing it ALL THE TIME!!!

PS - Madam might really be my new OTP. I heart them so much.

[phaballa.livejournal.com]

ALSO!! Also: Julia Roberts line (♥), AND THE MANOOP SCENE OMG!!! Did you mean for that to be the Seth/Summer scene from the OC?? Am I the only who caught that awesomeness??????

You, are brilliant.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh my gosh! Can I just say that I have read so many stories for these two but this one has to be the one that stands out. As Matt kept saying, it was AWESOME. Like the way you made each character and added in more people like Gokey, Anoop, Megan etc. was so clever. It was very hott and hilarious. I laughed so many times especially when Matt said he was just kidding and "Hangovers make me want to eat people." Amazing job.

Re: You, are brilliant.

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

OMG THERE'S MORE MADAM FIC OUT THERE? I figured I wrote 2 out of the, like, 5 Madam fics in existence. XD

Thank you so much!

[buffyx.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. This was hilarious, and unexpectedly sweet in places, and I want to quote all of the places that made me laugh out loud but I'm sure I'd break LJ's comment limitations, so I'll refrain. Your Matt voice is AMAZING, and oh my god, not gonna lie, the integration of Kris may've been my favorite part. I love this.

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! Ahaha, I can't not write Kris! And he's totally that friend we all have who we wanna hate because he's so dang perfect, but we can't because he's super-nice. <3

[denitta.livejournal.com]

Here via phaballa's tweet.

Loved this. It was funny and light and I totally loved Matt's voice in this. Snarky Anoop was awesome too. It's so funny. I admit to pretty much having stuck to reading Kradam in the past and had no idea what Ive been missing. I need more of this type of fic in my life.

And now I don't know where thus review is going.

Yeah

Damn you iPhone, why won't you let me fix my typo? >:/

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! :) Yes, there's a lot of awesome non-Kradam out there. Two of my favorite Idol fics ever were Adam/Brendon Urie, and I'm not even into bandslash!

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you, bb! ♥

[sprat.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. I want this to be a sitcom! So badly! I'm not into sitcoms, usually, but this would be the exception to my rule, because this is actually funny and addictive and I would love to watch these characters on my tv every week. Your boys are the most lovable boys in the WORLD, man. ♥♥♥

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! :D Ahaha, a sitcom would be totally fun. I keep begging people to write these How I Met Your Mother-based prompts I have...



(Adam with a Robin Sparkles past! It would be SO awesome.)

[claire-kay.livejournal.com]

THIS.
GOSH. Just so good, it was hilariously funny and just yeah I loved it. There are about a million quotes *okay not a million* but a lot of quotes from this that I loved. Mostly the ones to do with Matt' love/hate relationship with Kris Allen lol.
This was amazing <3

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, bb! :D Ahaha, that Kris Allen. He's so fucking perfect, it's infuriating. :P

[gypsy-scribbles.livejournal.com]

Hee! Oh I just love your writing! <3

[fakeplasticsnow.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And likewise, bb! <3