I let my pain fuck my ego and I called the bastard art

Here are the first two ficlets (if I can still call them that, hee) for help_haiti! I'll do the others (for boysinperil, emylina and merle_p) in one batch, since they'll all be part of the What Would Patti LuPone Do? 'verse. :) Those should be done by the end of the month.

Title: From Scratch
Pairing: Kurt/Puck
Rating: NC-17
Words: 2,716
Genre: slash, quasi-angst (like 5% angst, really)
Summary: Jell-O shots and indecision go hand-in-hand. Also, Puck makes a baking analogy?
Prompt: "All I ask for is Kurt/Puck. I love angst as long as there's a happy ending." - terribilita
A/N: Oh man, somehow this fandom makes my inner angst-whore go dormant. Hee. (Glee is so perky and sparkly!) I did try my best, though -- it's not completely angsty, but I hope you like porn with a side of internal conflict? :D It's the closest to PWP that I've ever gotten.
Featured song: "Wreck of the Day" - Anna Nalick

( Like one of those hoity-toity things with a French name or whatever. )

Title: An Ounce of Prevention (is a Pound of Rachel)
Rating: PG-13
Pairings/characters: (all established relationship) Kurt/Mike, Puck/Quinn, implied Rachel/Finn and Brittany/Santana, Kurt-Rachel friendship
Words: 2,029
Genre: gen, mostly, with a few couple-y moments
Summary: Dick jokes, pantsuits, Chicago analogies, TMI, ruined slushies, "that's what she said," strawberry-flavored condoms, and vengeful dong-pulling hypothetical fetuses: just another afternoon at Rachel Berry's Safe Sex Awareness Club.
Prompt: Timestamp from Be Yourself and Five Other Cliches-verse; "I'd love to see a ficlet where Kurt and Mike join Rachel's Safe Sex Awareness Club." - glitterfey
A/N: This prompt was ridiculously fun! And I get to indulge in all my OTPs being couple-y, with bonus Kurt-Rachel bonding. :D Anyway, I hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it!
Credit: Shit, I'm terrible with dick jokes and "that's what she said," so I had to Google one or two. AND I ripped a joke from this recap of a Supernatural episode. I fail, but the recapper is hilarious.
Featured song: "Nowadays (Reprise)/Hot Honey Rag" - Catherine Zeta-Jones and Renee Zellweger, Chicago OST

( Fair warning, he basically turns this into the Puck's Dick Jokes Hour every week. )

Title: What Have I Done to Deserve This?
Fandom: American Idol
Rating: NC-17 for utter debauchery
Pairing: Adam Lambert/Anoop Desai (WILL I EVER LEARN), bonus ass-whooping!Matt
Disclaimer: OMG never happened.
Genre: Slash, humor...hopefully
Words: 3,375
Summary: And Anoop learned to never piss Matt off again. (Or maybe piss him off again and again.)
Contains: Fuzzy pink handcuffs, bunk sex, collegiate pranks, and no redeeming value whatsoever.
A/N: No seriously, the premise came first and I tried to write it with a more popular pairing, but it just wouldn't work: Meganoop had problems logistically, and Kradam wouldn't have been as lulzy (in my head, Adam's reactions would be as follows: Kris handcuffed = "Oh poor baby, let me release you and make sweet, tender love to you," Anoop handcuffed = "LOL FOREVER"). I guess I like this pairing for when I write lighter, funnier stuff. Adamoop: All lulz, no dramz. Oh BTW, I can't quite call this a PWP since it's about 70% banter and 30% sexytimes. ...PWithminimalP?
Special thanks: To my beta, jehane18, who is drunk and horny and an overall bad influence. ILU, Aunt Paula! :) [ETA] And thanks to susycornish for the added "Freckles" reference!
Pointers: 1) Matt bought this really expensive pair of sunglasses, and Anoop never stopped stop teasing him about it. 2) If you've never seen LOST, Sawyer and Kate are two people on the island who have really hot cage!sex.

( This is just me needing to channel my frustration somewhere before I end up beating somebody to death and stealing his ridiculously overpriced sunglasses. )