fakeplasticsnow (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fakeplasticsnow) wrote2009-08-31 10:23 am
fakeplasticsnow) wrote2009-08-31 10:23 am
I'm not made of brick, I'm not made of stone, but I had you fooled enough to take me on
Title: Turn a No into a Yes in Ten Tour Dates (Matt Giraud Shows You How!)
Fandom: American Idol
Rating: R
Pairing: Matt Giraud/Adam Lambert
Disclaimer: OMG never happened.
Genre: slash, crack, crack, more crack
Words: 3,965
Timeline: Idols Live! Tour (July - September 2009)
Summary: No, there is nothing weird about making ten separate attempts and non-attempts to blow Adam. Matt thinks it's an awesome idea, no matter how many times Anoop rolls his eyes.
Based on: How I Met Your Mother, Season 3, Episode 13: "Ten Sessions"
A/N: LOL IDEK. Seriously, this is quite stupid. Although the running joke with Kris is probably my favorite thing I've ever written. Anyway, this is my second attempt at crack -- the first one, which is much crackier, is still undergoing some editing, and should be up in a few days. (And click here to check out my Matty G. theories!)
Pointers: QED: Originally Latin meaning "quod erat demonstrandum" or "which was to be shown or proven", now used mainly by physics students to insult someone when something is proven wrong or false.
Attempt #1: Dallas, TX
Maybe Matt's libido is bigger in Texas.
He'd like to ascribe some sort of reason to it, but regardless of motive, he decides in the middle of the Dallas concert that he wants to blow Adam Lambert. It's just one of those ideas that pop up out of nowhere, and Matt thinks it's brilliant because he's seen the way Adam practically simulates orgasm onstage almost every night of the tour. He'd definitely be a fun person to blow.
"I want a private Adam Lambert concert. In my pants."
Anoop lowers his Kindle to glance wearily at Matt across the couch. When Anoop reads from his Kindle, he always holds it at eye level in a look at me, I'm reading ten-dollar words on my trendy Amazon Kindle because I'm a smart person and smart people read kind of way. It's a very Anoop thing to do. "I don't know how many times I have to remind you that I'm not an actual frat boy, Matt, but seriously. I think your jokes would be more appreciated by the likes of...Allison."
"No, dude, I mean it. At some point during this tour, I have to blow Adam. It's a great idea! First of all, he has a huge dick -- don't pretend you haven't looked below his waist, like, ever. It's a challenge, I like challenges, challenges are fun. Secondly, he's my best option. If I fucked a groupie it'd spread all over the internet and I'd look like a total sleazebag, but Adam can keep secrets, and if the story leaks anyway, I've got nothing to lose. I think being known as the guy who did really awesome things to Adam's dick would actually make me more famous."
Anoop tilts his head. "Hmm. Now I kind of want to blow him."
"Really?"
"No. You're an idiot." He goes back to reading whatever's on his Kindle.
Anoop would never understand Matt's inner genius. Matt turns to Kris, who's on the ottoman at the other end of the room, a silent witness to their conversation. Kris looks up at him with big, startled puppy dog eyes that scream I am Kris Allen and I'm determined not to say anything even remotely offensive. He shrugs. Matt sighs.
Ever since the Lie to Me marathon with the guys two weeks ago, Matt's official philosophy is "Honesty is the best policy." So when he finds Adam in his dressing room, removing make-up in front of a mirror, he's upfront about his intentions. It's the honorable approach.
"Adam, can I please give you a blowjob in your dressing room before you head back to the hotel?" Bonus points for politeness. Gentlemen are sexy.
Adam looks at him through the mirror's reflection, his face frozen in confusion. Then he bursts out laughing, gripping on to the edge of the dresser so he doesn't lose balance. Matt laughs along, but he's not sure he likes where this is going.
"Very cute, Matt."
"It's a no, then?"
It's at that point that Adam finally stops laughing. "Oh, you mean you weren't kidding?"
"Dude, I was totally kidding," Matt snickers before scampering off without explanation.
Attempt #2: Little Rock, AR
Everybody likes Kris Allen.
Adam likes Kris Allen.
Matt considers this as he watches Kris licking and sucking on a cherry lollipop about ten minutes before he's slated to perform. Kris likes lollipops. And ice cream bars, and Butterfinger, and corndogs, and Coke in glass bottles. Arkansas isn't in short supply of any of those things, which makes Kris a happy camper.
"I bet if you asked Adam if you could blow him, he wouldn't laugh at you," Matt says, resting his chin on his hand.
Kris nearly chokes on the lollipop. He's bent over and practically coughing a lung out as Matt continues talking.
"This is way harder than I thought. I mean, who says no to a free blowjob?" He looks forlornly at Kris. "What do I have to do to impress Adam? What do you have that I don't?"
It's an honest question, and thankfully, Kris appears to take it seriously. He leans in, looking at Matt in that sincere Kris Allen way, and Matt can tell Kris is about to give him some much-needed advice, when --
"Honey, you've got two minutes," Katy calls out through the doorway. "Oh, hi Matt."
Kris looks a little too relieved to see her. He pats Matt on the head, then pulls something out of his pocket. A grape lollipop. He hands it to Matt and leaves the dressing room. Matt stares at the lollipop and smiles the smile of the newly enlightened.
When he walks up to Adam at the Little Rock after-party, Matt's sucking on the grape lollipop suggestively. "So, Adam. What's the perfect blowjob, for you?"
Adam raises an eyebrow. "You really weren't kidding back in Dallas, were you?"
"Don't change the subject."
"Okay." Adam looks around to make sure the other guests are out of earshot. "Well, there are the prerequisites: tongue, hands, technique, enthusiasm. But those are all second priority, really. This is gonna sound corny, but what's important to me is the man." He glances down and away, smiling to himself. "It feels so different when it's with someone you're completely in love with, and you know he'll take care of you and treat you right. Then it's really amazing. I can't get enough of that."
It makes Matt feel almost guilty, being let in on something so intimate when he's been staring at Adam's crotch all day, up until ten minutes ago. But if there's anything Papa Giraud taught him, it's that 1) Honesty is the best policy, and 2) Persistence pays off.
So Matt licks his lollipop and says, "Cool. So can I blow you now?"
"No."
At that moment, Anoop walks by them and laughs his ass off.
Attempt #3: Sunrise, FL
"No means no, dude. Trust me." Anoop shows he's in full debate mode when he sets the Kindle down on the table to look at Matt sternly.
"No means 'try again later,' or have you not familiarized yourself with the first rule of How to Be a Man?"
"It takes the average person 8.3 seconds to decide whether or not they want to sleep with someone. Fact." Anoop gestures with his fork to illustrate his point.
"It's true," Danny says with his mouth full of pasta. "Fail within the first 8.3 seconds, and you're pretty much a goner."
"Quitters never win, and winners never quit! Right, Kris?" Matt prods him with his elbow.
Kris shuffles his gaze between both sides and opens his mouth, but chickens out and goes back to nibbling at the tip of his breadstick.
"Why bother asking Kris?" Anoop says. "You know he's just going to say something vague and neutral like 'It's a difficult issue and you both make very good points' before changing the subject to something cheerful and universally liked."
Kris nods enthusiastically and grins at Anoop.
"You guys are such pussies," Matt grumbles, getting up from his chair. "I'm gonna go see Adam. I know he'll appreciate my manliness. He can appreciate my manliness all night long."
Kris bangs his forehead against the table.
Once Adam finally opens his hotel room door, Matt flashes his most winsome smile and holds out a paper bag from Subway. "Turkey sub, your favorite!"
"You're sweet." Adam brightens once he inspects the contents. "Aww, I can't believe you remembered that I don't like mustard on it! Thank you, Matt."
"So can I come in?"
Adam squints at him, and pauses for a moment before saying, "Um, sure."
Matt can't be blunt about his intentions this time around. Everything he knows, he learned from his college roommate, who taught him three things: 1) Honesty is the best policy, 2) Persistence pays off, and 3) Subtlety goes a long way. To get what he wants, Matt has to play it smooth, and he thought it would be a good idea to bring Adam a turkey sub and a milkshake when he was too sick to go out.
The inside of Adam's hotel room, however, tells a different story: a half-eaten tub of Ben and Jerry's, a bag of Doritos, and the TV tuned in to reruns of How I Met Your Mother. Matt then turns to Adam, whose eyes aren't bloodshot, whose complexion looks normal, who looks perfectly fine in a black shirt and sleep pants. "You don't look very sick."
"I'm not sick," Adam admits. "I broke up with Drake."
And that's how Matt ends up lying on his belly next to Adam, watching How I Met Your Mother with him until three in the morning. At about a quarter after three, Adam shuts the TV off and rolls over to stare at the ceiling. "I wanted us to be exclusive. He wasn't ready for that."
"That's dumb. Who wouldn't want to be exclusive when they're dating you? That's like banging Megan Fox and then telling her you want to keep your options open. It's selfish."
"It is."
"He doesn't deserve you."
"Nope." Adam curls up on his side and closes his eyes, nuzzling against Matt's shoulder.
Matt takes that as his cue to get up from the bed.
"Where are you going?" Adam murmurs.
"Couch. If I stayed here, I'd probably try to grope you in the middle of the night."
Adam opens his eyes briefly to look up and smile at Matt. "Good night, Matt."
"Good night, Adam."
Attempt #4: Greensboro, NC
The entire non-chase with Adam only worsens Matt's horniness, and yet he still doesn't feel compelled to give in and nail a groupie. He just has to turn that "no" into a "yes," because whenever Anoop says that something is impossible, Matt makes it his personal mission to prove him wrong. One of these days, he'll QED that bastard.
By the time they reach Greensboro, everyone on the tour bus is acutely aware of Matt's plans to blow Adam. They're judgmental in varying degrees.
Anoop: "God, Matt, you're so stupid."
Danny: "Bro, it's just dick. Why is it such a big deal to you? Dicks look weird."
Allison: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Lil: "You're reaching a little high there, sweetie."
Megan: "Um, get you some, I guess?"
Michael: "Dicks look really, really weird."
Scott: "...Wait, what?"
Kris is the least disapproving out of everyone, so Matt decides to spend most of his time with him. On the one free day they have that week, Matt and Kris go to the park, eating rainbow popsicles and feeding bread crumbs to the ducks.
Lately, Matt finds himself thinking about the things he and Adam talk about. While walking with Kris, he remembers the after-party conversation in Arkansas. "Hey, Kris, what's the perfect blowjob, for you?"
Kris scrunches his nose as he ponders the question. Then he stares down at his popsicle. He opens his mouth, practically unhinges his jaw, and...
Matt grabs Kris's wrist before Kris can lift the rainbow popsicle to his lips. "You know what, never mind."
The hotel lobby is fairly deserted that morning, so the whole group heads to the piano, as tradition would dictate. Matt sits on the bench and says, "This song is dedicated to a certain special someone."
Everybody groans, except for Adam, who looks down and blushes, and Kris, who is very intently focused on savoring his Twizzler.
"I was in a production of Altar Boyz back in college, and one day, while I was thinking long and hard about not blowing a certain special someone, I remembered this song, and it perfectly describes the way I feel about him."
And with that, Matt launches into an enthusiastic rendition of the sappy abstinence ballad, "Something About You," infusing gusto into such lines as "boy, you make me want to wait," and the cheesy spoken-word bridge: "I know it's hard to put on the brakes, baby, I know. But something's making behave responsibly tonight. It's your special blend of charisma and spunk. Crunk, I guess you'd call it. But whatever it is, you got it all up in you, babe. You got crunk."
They're charmed, whether or not they want to admit it. Even Anoop laughs a little. At the end of the song there's a sly reference to masturbation, and Anoop gives in and laughs a lot.
Attempt #5: Long Island, NY
Alcohol. It's the social lubricant. The cause of, and solution to all of life's problems.
To celebrate a successful Long Island show, Kris, Katy, Matt and Adam decide to get wasted on Long Island Iced Teas. Matt just wants to party and have fun, honest, but if Adam decides to get frisky, Matt wouldn't object.
Kris demonstrates that he can tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue. Nobody is surprised.
At 11:30 p.m., Kris and Katy leave because Katy wants Kris's tongue doing other things. Matt and Adam spend the rest of the night playing I Never.
At 1:15 a.m., Adam grabs fistfuls of Matt's shirt and leans in close. His breath smells like Long Island Iced Teas. He whispers, "You know, Matt, I have never felt so --" and then falls off the bar stool.
At 1:30 a.m., Matt is rubbing between Adam's shoulder blades as Adam vomits into the toilet.
At 2:05 a.m., Matt and Adam stagger back to the tour bus. All the lights are off, except for the one next to Anoop's bunk. Anoop looks up from his Kindle and slowly shakes his head.
At 2:20 a.m., everyone's passed out and the bus is on the road to Hamilton. Adam insists on sleeping in Matt's bunk because he feels cold. Matt's too wasted to even think about copping a feel.
Attempt #6: Hartford, CT
It's Matt's idea to take them all to the roller skating rink, because he'd have a hard time getting down on his knees in front of Adam if he had roller skates on. It's a good distraction.
Most of them are awful at skating, Adam included. He rolls up to Matt, grabs his hand and doesn't let go. Thirty minutes in, Adam learns the hang of it, but he keeps on clinging to Matt anyway. Matt doesn't mind. He starts talking about Bret Easton Ellis's Glamorama (he bought himself a copy after finding one in Adam's hotel room two weeks ago). Adam is impressed.
Meanwhile, Kris is one of the better skaters, gliding around the rink with ease while relishing a strawberry lollipop.
"I'm tempted to make a Boogie Nights joke, but I won't," Anoop remarks as Kris whizzes past him.
Attempt #7: Pittsburgh, PA
"One month. One month since I last got laid," Adam whines. "Sometimes I want to just say 'screw it' about my philosophies on making love and just fuck some random guy in a bathroom stall."
A roadie overhears him and stops midway across the soundstage. The other roadie helping him carry the speakers snaps at him, and they continue forward.
Matt is sitting next to Adam at the edge of the stage. "Don't give up. It takes a while, but it's worth it."
"That sounds weird coming from you, Mr. Can-I-please-blow-you," Adam laughs.
"People change! I did. I learned a lot from talking to you."
"Really, now."
Matt tilts his chin up at him. "When was the last time I asked you if I could blow you?"
Adam's brow furrows as he tries to remember. He can't come up with anything.
"Exactly. It doesn't mean I don't want to, but I respect what it means to you, so I'm not gonna bug you about it. I've never really experienced the whole 'lovemaking' aspect of sex, but from what you've told me, I think it's worth the wait. And I don't want you to give that up, because if anyone deserves that sort of thing, it's you."
"Is it weird that listening to you talk about abstinence kind of turns me on?" Adam says, slowly drawing his hand up his own inner thigh.
Matt hops off the stage and walks briskly to his dressing room. "Don't do this to me, Lambert!" he calls out behind him. Adam's laughter rings throughout the arena.
Attempt #8: Minneapolis, MN
"I feel like I've been conned, somehow."
"Conned?" Matt repeats with a touch of disbelief. He wraps his coat tighter around himself as the night wind picks up speed. "You didn't have to say yes. I could've gone to that restaurant and eaten that huge plate of spaghetti all by myself. I could've had a long, in-depth discussion on Less Than Zero with, like, a waiter or something. I could walk myself back to the hotel."
"Okay, I get your point. I just didn't think you were capable of dinner without any hidden agendas." Adam buries his face in Matt's shoulder to protect himself from the cold.
"One month of celibacy and you still don't trust me?" Matt taps his finger on his chin as he ponders this. It's not until they reach the hotel elevator that Matt gets an idea. "I know how I can prove myself to you."
"How?"
"Give me your hotel room key."
"That doesn't sound very innocent, Matt."
Matt holds his palm out. "Please?"
Adam sighs, reluctantly handing him the key card.
"Good," Matt says. "Now, once we're inside this elevator, I'm going to kiss you the way I think you should be kissed, the way I've wanted to kiss you since about two weeks ago, except I'll be keeping my hands in my pockets and I promise I won't let my tongue go very far."
The elevator bell rings before Matt can say anything else. He pulls Adam inside. Once the doors are closed, Matt presses his lips to Adam's in a more chaste way than he's used to, although it's just as amazing. Matt's hands are buried deep in his pockets, just like he'd promised.
When the elevator reaches the fifth floor, Adam starts using his tongue.
When it reaches the 12th floor, Adam's hands are on Matt's forearms.
When it reaches the 18th floor, Adam's hands are clasped behind Matt's neck.
When it reaches the 23rd floor, the doors slide open and Matt breaks the kiss.
"Now what?" Adam breathes.
Matt rushes ahead of him to Adam's hotel room. He slides the key card in and opens the door. "Now I open the door for you like the gentleman I am, and bid you good night."
As he walks back to the elevator, he turns around one more time to see Adam peeking at him through the doorway, a tiny smile spreading across his face.
"Don't deny it, Adam, you love to watch me walk away." He wiggles his ass for emphasis.
The next thing Matt hears is the sound of a door closing.
Attempt #9: Rosemont, IL
Matt is close to dozing off when he feels a finger poking his shoulder. He glances up groggily to see Adam looking down at him through six pounds of eyeliner and a hint of suspicion. Behind Adam, everyone else in the production room is staring curiously at Matt.
"This is getting weird," Adam says.
"It's not. I was in the neighborhood."
"Because that's a totally believable excuse."
"Well, it's true," Matt yawns. "I was in talks with a couple of agents in downtown L.A., and I remembered that you'd be recording here today, so I thought I'd drop by. I know Kris is super busy, and I didn't want you to spend the day by yourself."
In the hallway outside, Kris stops to wave enthusiastically at them.
"Hi, Kris," Matt and Adam both say.
Kris walks on. They can hear him loudly slurping his Jamba Juice.
Matt turns his attention back to Adam. "Okay, seriously. I had the rest of the day free, and I thought about what I wanted to do, and I realized that I really like spending time with you. So will you please share a nice low-carb lunch with me today?"
A producer in the back corner butts in: "Don't be a douche, Lambert, he drove all the way here for you."
Adam rolls his eyes, but he's laughing. "Let's go. I hope you like sushi."
"I love sushi."
Attempt #10: Madison, WI
In the darkness of the hotel room, Matt reaches in the general direction of the night stand and feels around until he finds his iPhone. He rolls onto his back and texts Anoop, unable to stop himself from grinning.
Matt sets it back on the night stand. "Anoop."
"Should I be worried that we just had sex and the first thing you do is text your hot Indian BFF?"
"Nah, Anoop and I were having a scholarly debate about statistics. Nothing to concern yourself over." Matt pauses. "Unless you're into threesomes."
"Don't push your luck, Matt."
"Hey, can't blame a man for trying." He looks sideways at Adam, who's undressed and properly debauched and has the biggest grin on his face. Matt can't believe this is happening.
He can't even believe how it happened. After the concert, Adam texted him his hotel room number, which wasn't unusual for them. Matt showed up an hour later with a bag of White Castle burgers and asked, "Scrabble, Monopoly or Clue?"
And Adam rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, for fuck's sake" before yanking Matt into the room and kissing him senseless.
So, no, Matt doesn't exactly understand the sequence of events that led to him lying naked on the edge of Adam's bed with his legs wrapped around Adam's waist only 15 minutes ago.
He looks into those warm gray eyes, brushes aside a loose strand of Adam's hair and asks, "Okay, so, this whole lovemaking thing is awesome and all, but can you maybe explain to me what the hell just happened?"
"I fucked your brains out and now we're basking in the post-coital afterglow?"
"No, before that. What changed?"
Adam presses his face into Matt's chest, trying to suppress his laughter. "Are you actually this clueless, or is this all an act you use to charm people?"
"I am legit confuzzled right now, Adam."
"Um, so you had no idea that I've had a thing for you since Top 9 week? Because I thought that's what your sudden, unexpected desire to blow me was all about."
"No, it was a random moment of genius I had one day." After processing the rest of what Adam said, Matt sits up, his eyes widening. "...Wait. You mean I didn't have to go through about two months of trouble and blue balls to get in your pants?"
"See, if I had said 'yes' the first time you'd asked, it'd only be a physical, one-time thing. It wouldn't feel special. But this is special."
Matt grins. He moves on top of Adam, pushing Adam's arms up over his head. "Wait until I'm helplessly in love with you before you fuck me," he says. "You're sneaky, Adam Lambert. I like it."
"What can I say? Everybody has an agenda."
He leans down and kisses Adam, taking his time. He could seriously do this all night, but everybody has an agenda, Matt included.
"So can I blow you now?"
"Say please."
"Please," he whispers into Adam's ear.
"Fine. Yes."
Matt's only too happy to slip under the sheets and oblige, and it's even more awesome than he imagined. This really was his best idea ever.
And that is how Matt turned a "no" into a "yes" in ten tour dates.
(He will probably face a new "turn a no into a yes" dilemma later when he asks Adam if he could videotape the blowjob and e-mail it to Anoop, but that's another story.)
Fandom: American Idol
Rating: R
Pairing: Matt Giraud/Adam Lambert
Disclaimer: OMG never happened.
Genre: slash, crack, crack, more crack
Words: 3,965
Timeline: Idols Live! Tour (July - September 2009)
Summary: No, there is nothing weird about making ten separate attempts and non-attempts to blow Adam. Matt thinks it's an awesome idea, no matter how many times Anoop rolls his eyes.
Based on: How I Met Your Mother, Season 3, Episode 13: "Ten Sessions"
A/N: LOL IDEK. Seriously, this is quite stupid. Although the running joke with Kris is probably my favorite thing I've ever written. Anyway, this is my second attempt at crack -- the first one, which is much crackier, is still undergoing some editing, and should be up in a few days. (And click here to check out my Matty G. theories!)
Pointers: QED: Originally Latin meaning "quod erat demonstrandum" or "which was to be shown or proven", now used mainly by physics students to insult someone when something is proven wrong or false.
Maybe Matt's libido is bigger in Texas.
He'd like to ascribe some sort of reason to it, but regardless of motive, he decides in the middle of the Dallas concert that he wants to blow Adam Lambert. It's just one of those ideas that pop up out of nowhere, and Matt thinks it's brilliant because he's seen the way Adam practically simulates orgasm onstage almost every night of the tour. He'd definitely be a fun person to blow.
"I want a private Adam Lambert concert. In my pants."
Anoop lowers his Kindle to glance wearily at Matt across the couch. When Anoop reads from his Kindle, he always holds it at eye level in a look at me, I'm reading ten-dollar words on my trendy Amazon Kindle because I'm a smart person and smart people read kind of way. It's a very Anoop thing to do. "I don't know how many times I have to remind you that I'm not an actual frat boy, Matt, but seriously. I think your jokes would be more appreciated by the likes of...Allison."
"No, dude, I mean it. At some point during this tour, I have to blow Adam. It's a great idea! First of all, he has a huge dick -- don't pretend you haven't looked below his waist, like, ever. It's a challenge, I like challenges, challenges are fun. Secondly, he's my best option. If I fucked a groupie it'd spread all over the internet and I'd look like a total sleazebag, but Adam can keep secrets, and if the story leaks anyway, I've got nothing to lose. I think being known as the guy who did really awesome things to Adam's dick would actually make me more famous."
Anoop tilts his head. "Hmm. Now I kind of want to blow him."
"Really?"
"No. You're an idiot." He goes back to reading whatever's on his Kindle.
Anoop would never understand Matt's inner genius. Matt turns to Kris, who's on the ottoman at the other end of the room, a silent witness to their conversation. Kris looks up at him with big, startled puppy dog eyes that scream I am Kris Allen and I'm determined not to say anything even remotely offensive. He shrugs. Matt sighs.
Ever since the Lie to Me marathon with the guys two weeks ago, Matt's official philosophy is "Honesty is the best policy." So when he finds Adam in his dressing room, removing make-up in front of a mirror, he's upfront about his intentions. It's the honorable approach.
"Adam, can I please give you a blowjob in your dressing room before you head back to the hotel?" Bonus points for politeness. Gentlemen are sexy.
Adam looks at him through the mirror's reflection, his face frozen in confusion. Then he bursts out laughing, gripping on to the edge of the dresser so he doesn't lose balance. Matt laughs along, but he's not sure he likes where this is going.
"Very cute, Matt."
"It's a no, then?"
It's at that point that Adam finally stops laughing. "Oh, you mean you weren't kidding?"
"Dude, I was totally kidding," Matt snickers before scampering off without explanation.
Everybody likes Kris Allen.
Adam likes Kris Allen.
Matt considers this as he watches Kris licking and sucking on a cherry lollipop about ten minutes before he's slated to perform. Kris likes lollipops. And ice cream bars, and Butterfinger, and corndogs, and Coke in glass bottles. Arkansas isn't in short supply of any of those things, which makes Kris a happy camper.
"I bet if you asked Adam if you could blow him, he wouldn't laugh at you," Matt says, resting his chin on his hand.
Kris nearly chokes on the lollipop. He's bent over and practically coughing a lung out as Matt continues talking.
"This is way harder than I thought. I mean, who says no to a free blowjob?" He looks forlornly at Kris. "What do I have to do to impress Adam? What do you have that I don't?"
It's an honest question, and thankfully, Kris appears to take it seriously. He leans in, looking at Matt in that sincere Kris Allen way, and Matt can tell Kris is about to give him some much-needed advice, when --
"Honey, you've got two minutes," Katy calls out through the doorway. "Oh, hi Matt."
Kris looks a little too relieved to see her. He pats Matt on the head, then pulls something out of his pocket. A grape lollipop. He hands it to Matt and leaves the dressing room. Matt stares at the lollipop and smiles the smile of the newly enlightened.
When he walks up to Adam at the Little Rock after-party, Matt's sucking on the grape lollipop suggestively. "So, Adam. What's the perfect blowjob, for you?"
Adam raises an eyebrow. "You really weren't kidding back in Dallas, were you?"
"Don't change the subject."
"Okay." Adam looks around to make sure the other guests are out of earshot. "Well, there are the prerequisites: tongue, hands, technique, enthusiasm. But those are all second priority, really. This is gonna sound corny, but what's important to me is the man." He glances down and away, smiling to himself. "It feels so different when it's with someone you're completely in love with, and you know he'll take care of you and treat you right. Then it's really amazing. I can't get enough of that."
It makes Matt feel almost guilty, being let in on something so intimate when he's been staring at Adam's crotch all day, up until ten minutes ago. But if there's anything Papa Giraud taught him, it's that 1) Honesty is the best policy, and 2) Persistence pays off.
So Matt licks his lollipop and says, "Cool. So can I blow you now?"
"No."
At that moment, Anoop walks by them and laughs his ass off.
"No means no, dude. Trust me." Anoop shows he's in full debate mode when he sets the Kindle down on the table to look at Matt sternly.
"No means 'try again later,' or have you not familiarized yourself with the first rule of How to Be a Man?"
"It takes the average person 8.3 seconds to decide whether or not they want to sleep with someone. Fact." Anoop gestures with his fork to illustrate his point.
"It's true," Danny says with his mouth full of pasta. "Fail within the first 8.3 seconds, and you're pretty much a goner."
"Quitters never win, and winners never quit! Right, Kris?" Matt prods him with his elbow.
Kris shuffles his gaze between both sides and opens his mouth, but chickens out and goes back to nibbling at the tip of his breadstick.
"Why bother asking Kris?" Anoop says. "You know he's just going to say something vague and neutral like 'It's a difficult issue and you both make very good points' before changing the subject to something cheerful and universally liked."
Kris nods enthusiastically and grins at Anoop.
"You guys are such pussies," Matt grumbles, getting up from his chair. "I'm gonna go see Adam. I know he'll appreciate my manliness. He can appreciate my manliness all night long."
Kris bangs his forehead against the table.
Once Adam finally opens his hotel room door, Matt flashes his most winsome smile and holds out a paper bag from Subway. "Turkey sub, your favorite!"
"You're sweet." Adam brightens once he inspects the contents. "Aww, I can't believe you remembered that I don't like mustard on it! Thank you, Matt."
"So can I come in?"
Adam squints at him, and pauses for a moment before saying, "Um, sure."
Matt can't be blunt about his intentions this time around. Everything he knows, he learned from his college roommate, who taught him three things: 1) Honesty is the best policy, 2) Persistence pays off, and 3) Subtlety goes a long way. To get what he wants, Matt has to play it smooth, and he thought it would be a good idea to bring Adam a turkey sub and a milkshake when he was too sick to go out.
The inside of Adam's hotel room, however, tells a different story: a half-eaten tub of Ben and Jerry's, a bag of Doritos, and the TV tuned in to reruns of How I Met Your Mother. Matt then turns to Adam, whose eyes aren't bloodshot, whose complexion looks normal, who looks perfectly fine in a black shirt and sleep pants. "You don't look very sick."
"I'm not sick," Adam admits. "I broke up with Drake."
And that's how Matt ends up lying on his belly next to Adam, watching How I Met Your Mother with him until three in the morning. At about a quarter after three, Adam shuts the TV off and rolls over to stare at the ceiling. "I wanted us to be exclusive. He wasn't ready for that."
"That's dumb. Who wouldn't want to be exclusive when they're dating you? That's like banging Megan Fox and then telling her you want to keep your options open. It's selfish."
"It is."
"He doesn't deserve you."
"Nope." Adam curls up on his side and closes his eyes, nuzzling against Matt's shoulder.
Matt takes that as his cue to get up from the bed.
"Where are you going?" Adam murmurs.
"Couch. If I stayed here, I'd probably try to grope you in the middle of the night."
Adam opens his eyes briefly to look up and smile at Matt. "Good night, Matt."
"Good night, Adam."
The entire non-chase with Adam only worsens Matt's horniness, and yet he still doesn't feel compelled to give in and nail a groupie. He just has to turn that "no" into a "yes," because whenever Anoop says that something is impossible, Matt makes it his personal mission to prove him wrong. One of these days, he'll QED that bastard.
By the time they reach Greensboro, everyone on the tour bus is acutely aware of Matt's plans to blow Adam. They're judgmental in varying degrees.
Anoop: "God, Matt, you're so stupid."
Danny: "Bro, it's just dick. Why is it such a big deal to you? Dicks look weird."
Allison: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Lil: "You're reaching a little high there, sweetie."
Megan: "Um, get you some, I guess?"
Michael: "Dicks look really, really weird."
Scott: "...Wait, what?"
Kris is the least disapproving out of everyone, so Matt decides to spend most of his time with him. On the one free day they have that week, Matt and Kris go to the park, eating rainbow popsicles and feeding bread crumbs to the ducks.
Lately, Matt finds himself thinking about the things he and Adam talk about. While walking with Kris, he remembers the after-party conversation in Arkansas. "Hey, Kris, what's the perfect blowjob, for you?"
Kris scrunches his nose as he ponders the question. Then he stares down at his popsicle. He opens his mouth, practically unhinges his jaw, and...
Matt grabs Kris's wrist before Kris can lift the rainbow popsicle to his lips. "You know what, never mind."
The hotel lobby is fairly deserted that morning, so the whole group heads to the piano, as tradition would dictate. Matt sits on the bench and says, "This song is dedicated to a certain special someone."
Everybody groans, except for Adam, who looks down and blushes, and Kris, who is very intently focused on savoring his Twizzler.
"I was in a production of Altar Boyz back in college, and one day, while I was thinking long and hard about not blowing a certain special someone, I remembered this song, and it perfectly describes the way I feel about him."
And with that, Matt launches into an enthusiastic rendition of the sappy abstinence ballad, "Something About You," infusing gusto into such lines as "boy, you make me want to wait," and the cheesy spoken-word bridge: "I know it's hard to put on the brakes, baby, I know. But something's making behave responsibly tonight. It's your special blend of charisma and spunk. Crunk, I guess you'd call it. But whatever it is, you got it all up in you, babe. You got crunk."
They're charmed, whether or not they want to admit it. Even Anoop laughs a little. At the end of the song there's a sly reference to masturbation, and Anoop gives in and laughs a lot.
Alcohol. It's the social lubricant. The cause of, and solution to all of life's problems.
To celebrate a successful Long Island show, Kris, Katy, Matt and Adam decide to get wasted on Long Island Iced Teas. Matt just wants to party and have fun, honest, but if Adam decides to get frisky, Matt wouldn't object.
Kris demonstrates that he can tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue. Nobody is surprised.
At 11:30 p.m., Kris and Katy leave because Katy wants Kris's tongue doing other things. Matt and Adam spend the rest of the night playing I Never.
At 1:15 a.m., Adam grabs fistfuls of Matt's shirt and leans in close. His breath smells like Long Island Iced Teas. He whispers, "You know, Matt, I have never felt so --" and then falls off the bar stool.
At 1:30 a.m., Matt is rubbing between Adam's shoulder blades as Adam vomits into the toilet.
At 2:05 a.m., Matt and Adam stagger back to the tour bus. All the lights are off, except for the one next to Anoop's bunk. Anoop looks up from his Kindle and slowly shakes his head.
At 2:20 a.m., everyone's passed out and the bus is on the road to Hamilton. Adam insists on sleeping in Matt's bunk because he feels cold. Matt's too wasted to even think about copping a feel.
It's Matt's idea to take them all to the roller skating rink, because he'd have a hard time getting down on his knees in front of Adam if he had roller skates on. It's a good distraction.
Most of them are awful at skating, Adam included. He rolls up to Matt, grabs his hand and doesn't let go. Thirty minutes in, Adam learns the hang of it, but he keeps on clinging to Matt anyway. Matt doesn't mind. He starts talking about Bret Easton Ellis's Glamorama (he bought himself a copy after finding one in Adam's hotel room two weeks ago). Adam is impressed.
Meanwhile, Kris is one of the better skaters, gliding around the rink with ease while relishing a strawberry lollipop.
"I'm tempted to make a Boogie Nights joke, but I won't," Anoop remarks as Kris whizzes past him.
"One month. One month since I last got laid," Adam whines. "Sometimes I want to just say 'screw it' about my philosophies on making love and just fuck some random guy in a bathroom stall."
A roadie overhears him and stops midway across the soundstage. The other roadie helping him carry the speakers snaps at him, and they continue forward.
Matt is sitting next to Adam at the edge of the stage. "Don't give up. It takes a while, but it's worth it."
"That sounds weird coming from you, Mr. Can-I-please-blow-you," Adam laughs.
"People change! I did. I learned a lot from talking to you."
"Really, now."
Matt tilts his chin up at him. "When was the last time I asked you if I could blow you?"
Adam's brow furrows as he tries to remember. He can't come up with anything.
"Exactly. It doesn't mean I don't want to, but I respect what it means to you, so I'm not gonna bug you about it. I've never really experienced the whole 'lovemaking' aspect of sex, but from what you've told me, I think it's worth the wait. And I don't want you to give that up, because if anyone deserves that sort of thing, it's you."
"Is it weird that listening to you talk about abstinence kind of turns me on?" Adam says, slowly drawing his hand up his own inner thigh.
Matt hops off the stage and walks briskly to his dressing room. "Don't do this to me, Lambert!" he calls out behind him. Adam's laughter rings throughout the arena.
"I feel like I've been conned, somehow."
"Conned?" Matt repeats with a touch of disbelief. He wraps his coat tighter around himself as the night wind picks up speed. "You didn't have to say yes. I could've gone to that restaurant and eaten that huge plate of spaghetti all by myself. I could've had a long, in-depth discussion on Less Than Zero with, like, a waiter or something. I could walk myself back to the hotel."
"Okay, I get your point. I just didn't think you were capable of dinner without any hidden agendas." Adam buries his face in Matt's shoulder to protect himself from the cold.
"One month of celibacy and you still don't trust me?" Matt taps his finger on his chin as he ponders this. It's not until they reach the hotel elevator that Matt gets an idea. "I know how I can prove myself to you."
"How?"
"Give me your hotel room key."
"That doesn't sound very innocent, Matt."
Matt holds his palm out. "Please?"
Adam sighs, reluctantly handing him the key card.
"Good," Matt says. "Now, once we're inside this elevator, I'm going to kiss you the way I think you should be kissed, the way I've wanted to kiss you since about two weeks ago, except I'll be keeping my hands in my pockets and I promise I won't let my tongue go very far."
The elevator bell rings before Matt can say anything else. He pulls Adam inside. Once the doors are closed, Matt presses his lips to Adam's in a more chaste way than he's used to, although it's just as amazing. Matt's hands are buried deep in his pockets, just like he'd promised.
When the elevator reaches the fifth floor, Adam starts using his tongue.
When it reaches the 12th floor, Adam's hands are on Matt's forearms.
When it reaches the 18th floor, Adam's hands are clasped behind Matt's neck.
When it reaches the 23rd floor, the doors slide open and Matt breaks the kiss.
"Now what?" Adam breathes.
Matt rushes ahead of him to Adam's hotel room. He slides the key card in and opens the door. "Now I open the door for you like the gentleman I am, and bid you good night."
As he walks back to the elevator, he turns around one more time to see Adam peeking at him through the doorway, a tiny smile spreading across his face.
"Don't deny it, Adam, you love to watch me walk away." He wiggles his ass for emphasis.
The next thing Matt hears is the sound of a door closing.
Matt is close to dozing off when he feels a finger poking his shoulder. He glances up groggily to see Adam looking down at him through six pounds of eyeliner and a hint of suspicion. Behind Adam, everyone else in the production room is staring curiously at Matt.
"This is getting weird," Adam says.
"It's not. I was in the neighborhood."
"Because that's a totally believable excuse."
"Well, it's true," Matt yawns. "I was in talks with a couple of agents in downtown L.A., and I remembered that you'd be recording here today, so I thought I'd drop by. I know Kris is super busy, and I didn't want you to spend the day by yourself."
In the hallway outside, Kris stops to wave enthusiastically at them.
"Hi, Kris," Matt and Adam both say.
Kris walks on. They can hear him loudly slurping his Jamba Juice.
Matt turns his attention back to Adam. "Okay, seriously. I had the rest of the day free, and I thought about what I wanted to do, and I realized that I really like spending time with you. So will you please share a nice low-carb lunch with me today?"
A producer in the back corner butts in: "Don't be a douche, Lambert, he drove all the way here for you."
Adam rolls his eyes, but he's laughing. "Let's go. I hope you like sushi."
"I love sushi."
In the darkness of the hotel room, Matt reaches in the general direction of the night stand and feels around until he finds his iPhone. He rolls onto his back and texts Anoop, unable to stop himself from grinning.
Matt: BOO-YAH!The bedside lamp flickers on. "Who are you texting?" Adam asks, sidling up to him to peer at the cellphone screen.
Anoop: ...What?
Matt: Theres some1 in adams bed right now. Name starts w/ M and ends in attgiraud
Anoop: Ugh whatev
Matt: QED, MOTHERFUCKER
Matt sets it back on the night stand. "Anoop."
"Should I be worried that we just had sex and the first thing you do is text your hot Indian BFF?"
"Nah, Anoop and I were having a scholarly debate about statistics. Nothing to concern yourself over." Matt pauses. "Unless you're into threesomes."
"Don't push your luck, Matt."
"Hey, can't blame a man for trying." He looks sideways at Adam, who's undressed and properly debauched and has the biggest grin on his face. Matt can't believe this is happening.
He can't even believe how it happened. After the concert, Adam texted him his hotel room number, which wasn't unusual for them. Matt showed up an hour later with a bag of White Castle burgers and asked, "Scrabble, Monopoly or Clue?"
And Adam rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, for fuck's sake" before yanking Matt into the room and kissing him senseless.
So, no, Matt doesn't exactly understand the sequence of events that led to him lying naked on the edge of Adam's bed with his legs wrapped around Adam's waist only 15 minutes ago.
He looks into those warm gray eyes, brushes aside a loose strand of Adam's hair and asks, "Okay, so, this whole lovemaking thing is awesome and all, but can you maybe explain to me what the hell just happened?"
"I fucked your brains out and now we're basking in the post-coital afterglow?"
"No, before that. What changed?"
Adam presses his face into Matt's chest, trying to suppress his laughter. "Are you actually this clueless, or is this all an act you use to charm people?"
"I am legit confuzzled right now, Adam."
"Um, so you had no idea that I've had a thing for you since Top 9 week? Because I thought that's what your sudden, unexpected desire to blow me was all about."
"No, it was a random moment of genius I had one day." After processing the rest of what Adam said, Matt sits up, his eyes widening. "...Wait. You mean I didn't have to go through about two months of trouble and blue balls to get in your pants?"
"See, if I had said 'yes' the first time you'd asked, it'd only be a physical, one-time thing. It wouldn't feel special. But this is special."
Matt grins. He moves on top of Adam, pushing Adam's arms up over his head. "Wait until I'm helplessly in love with you before you fuck me," he says. "You're sneaky, Adam Lambert. I like it."
"What can I say? Everybody has an agenda."
He leans down and kisses Adam, taking his time. He could seriously do this all night, but everybody has an agenda, Matt included.
"So can I blow you now?"
"Say please."
"Please," he whispers into Adam's ear.
"Fine. Yes."
Matt's only too happy to slip under the sheets and oblige, and it's even more awesome than he imagined. This really was his best idea ever.
And that is how Matt turned a "no" into a "yes" in ten tour dates.
(He will probably face a new "turn a no into a yes" dilemma later when he asks Adam if he could videotape the blowjob and e-mail it to Anoop, but that's another story.)
FIN.